Blown

 I have been a student for as long as I can remember. After graduating college, I continued to take classes at local community schools - I have studied such an eclectic array of topics I can barely recall them all. Since the early 90's, they have  been largely spiritual in nature. I listen and learn and study and seek, search for the next teacher and read the books over and over. And over again. When I became a mom, I had a whole new area of study. And good lord, I went for it. I took classes, seminars, webinars, had private counciling sessions - you name it, I did it. I count 37 parenting books on my shelf. I remember the day when I was preparing to take yet another parenting seminar and a friend remarked "Really? Can't you teach those classes by now?!" And of course she was right. I went to that seminar and realized I could indeed lead that class. I had finally reached a point where there was nothing more I could learn from someone else about parenting my child. I had to admit that I was actually being a good parent. Why did it take me so long to get that and why did it take a friend to point that out to me? (Thank you Sharyn ♥)

Last year when I was in Sedona, I went to see a healer aptly named Angel. The first thing she said to me was that I have spent many lifetimes at the feet of Masters, learning. That certainly resonated, given my track record in this lifetime. I find a teacher/guru and immerse myself in their classes, their books, indeed their every word and very Beingness. I inhale them and hold my breath. I change my life at their directive - I find new practices, language, even food. And so much of what I learn and take on is good - sign posts, arrows, leading me in the direction of my own heart. And so much of it is clutter, fodder for my mind to spin and spin. And I haven't known how to stop searching and looking for the next thing. Until now. I am beginning to remember that I already am what it is I am seeking.

I spoke briefly in my last post about Spiritual Materialism; my understanding of this concept is based on the teachings of a man who is largely responsible for bringing Buddhism to the west named Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Of course I have studied Buddhism along the way (as well as Catholicism, Christianity, Sufism, Taoism, Judiaism and probably a few others I no longer recall) and had taken what I liked of it and moved along. I could not get past the Buddhist notion that we used to talk to trees. Ironic, isn't it? Today I spend an inordinate amount of time talking to trees...and so I am circling back to the teachings of  Gautama Buddha. For years I thought he sat under that Bodhi tree in order to attain enlightenment, and so I ran right out and began attaining. I didn't have time to sit under a tree for days so my enlightenment was going to have to happen on the fly, while I was busy living my life. So I sucked in wisdom in every spare moment, from every corner - had to pack it in while I had the time. And only now, years later, do I realize that all that does is make my mind spin. It's made me a great conversationalist (so I've been told) however I am out for much more than conversation. And the constant input has muddied my own deep knowing.

This fervent urge toward taking the next class or reading yet another book is simply me looking for answers outside myself. And when I run across contradictory teachings, as I recently did, big-time, it rocked me to my core. After I managed to pick myself up off the ground (yet again), I stopped spinning. I simply stopped. And I remained still for a period of days, not allowing my mind to engage with questioning or confusion at all. I simply sat in the present moment waiting for my own inherent wisdom to arise. And of course it came, beyond measure it came. And from this place of clarity, I can finally see that attaining is really just putting lots of other people's truths into my mind and heart and trying to see if it fits. And of course it can't fit because it isn't mine. Parts of it can resonate and ultimately point me toward my own truth, which really is the bottom line - my truth exists solely within me. I am a singular and  particualar emination of it. Other people can light the path and remind me of Universal Truths, however the only way I can truly know what is mine to know is to go within. This is what Rinpoche was speaking of, that this 'attaining' is Spititual Materialsim. It is an egoic pursuit, to seek out and learn more so I can feel like I am getting somewhere and becoming someone. It is spiritual wisdom as a commodity. And of course all wisdom and knowing exists right now, fully, inside me, in a unique form that is soley mine. I came with it into this body - it is inherent in the Spirit that animates every human being. And so the true spiritual path is to simply remember this. To give up all I have attained to simply Be what I am. To embody what I am. Wholeness. Purity. Wisdom. Joy. Truth.

So I am officially declaring that I know. I am no longer in pursuit of anything. Will I still take classes? Of course - I like engaging my mind in that way. However, I will take only those that help facilitate my own knowing, by reminding me how to access it. That said, the class I am currently taking (What? Of course there's a class) is led by my mentor Rev. Kate Rodger, who deeply understands this concept. She gently and lovingly leads me to my own knowing; all questions are directed within. She reminds me who and what I am. And so I find myself finally free - from the 'need' to keep searching, from confusion, from being overwhelmed by all I wish to know. Now it's time to sit in stillness and breathe. A lot. And all will come in perfect timing, perfectly formed, purposefully, for me, from me.