This Halloween my daughter Nikki was a unicorn. Not a 'rainbow unicorn' because duh, all unicorns are rainbow. This is the third year she has taken charge of her costume, deciding on her own what to be and somehow gathering all that she needs to make it happen. So I am used to not being a part of that process except for giving her rides to the craft store and the like for supplies. This is the first year she dressed herself entirely, even doing her own hair and makeup without asking for any assistance from me. In fact she insisted on no help at all, sequestering herself in her bathroom and asking to be left alone. I must admit I was a bit bummed although I did not let her know that. My difficulty in letting her go is not her business nor should it be her concern. She also did not want me to be with her trick-or-treating. Well, she wanted me there, just not by her. And I can feel this may be my last year to even be there. Next year she may just want to be dropped off and picked up. I am sad for this ending, glad I have been present through all the trick-or-treating, and excited to see what this may open up for me as far as my time and freedom.
She is in the 6th grade this year, in a new school that encourages her to find her own voice, her own inner vision and make conscious choices. This is a kid who has been sure of herself since forever, sometimes to a fault. She trusts herself more than anyone else - this took some getting used to when she was little. My personality wanted her to trust me the most. Now she is learning to take other people into account when making choices so it's a whole new game. And it feels wonderful to me, because she is actually, for the first time, aware of my needs...sometimes anyway. So as she grows into herself and pulls away from me and her dad, I constantly remind myself that this is good, this is what she is supposed to do - it's evidence we're doing a good job.
Also it feels like crap.
I of course love to be needed in the intense way children need and this has been my experience of it for the past 11 years. She and I are deeply connected; I have been her playmate, her sibling, her pet, her confidente, her defender, her hero. I have relished her unconditional love and attention, loved being her true north. And now I am just mom, and she would really rather I keep my distance in public. She confides in her friends now, telling them the secrets she used to tell me. I knew she liked a boy at her dance class and asked her several times and she always replied no, she didn't like him. Then recently I read a text stream between her and a friend and he was mentioned several times as her crush. At first I was crushed until I remembered, oh right, this is how this is supposed to happen. This is her stepping into a new version of herself and this is what it looks like right now.
That said, it still doesn't feel good - I feel like she is becoming a whole new person without involving me. And the only access I have to hidden parts of her is to dig deeper, to read her text streams, to overhear her phone conversations - which she knows I do and will continue to do. Part of our agreement for her to get a phone at such a young age was that her dad and I are to have full access to it at any time, for her protection. We are in uncharted territory here with these kids and their electronic devices and I do not intend to look away.
So, when I let her know I had read some texts, I did not mention anything about her crush. I suppose her not telling me meant she did not want it to be my business. Fair enough, that's her prerogative. And I will not take it personally.
As she changes and grows and tries on new parts of herself, I get to simply notice, hold space for absolutely all of it, and not make any of it about me. I want to be the ground she walks on, stable, dependable, rooted - so that when the world gets too crazy for her, she will know where to run to. I will be her safe place to come home to, a container for her secrets, her worries, her fears. And her joys. I will be the one who doesn't judge, never betrays, who always holds her tenderly in unconditional love.
So for now, I will quietly watch her venture out into new territory. I will walk behind her while she trick-or-treats because that's where she wants me. Someday she will realize I have always been - and forever will be - behind her, arms out, ready to catch her when she falls.
