Saturnian Stew

Greetings Beloveds! This month finds me in deep conversation with Saturn, and the crux of the interaction is SURRENDER. Saturn is our great teacher, the bringer of lessons, and we must eventually pass the course, even if we have to take it over and over again. Saturn will always vary the lesson plan, using anything and everything at its disposal to get its point across. And its point to me right now is essentially “GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.” I have always been two different people internally; one is the Aries Ram, highly organized and motivated, climbing that hill come hell or high water, (somewhat) blindly charging towards what I want. The other is the artist, who eschews schedules and habits and patterns. That one prefers a more free-form life of following my nose, fluidly moving with whatever captures my attention in the moment. I have been living in this artistic state for quite a while now, and Saturn would like me to come back to center. This means becoming more diligent in attending to (and following through on) all those mundane tasks that ‘bore’ me, like filing. I’ve been resisting this teaching for close to a year now and Saturn is just not having it. And so I’ve surrendered and put myself on a schedule with regards to routine tasks. (Gag). And I feel better, because the unfinished business is starting to nag me less.

Awakening to the deeper truth of myself does not mean that my life is all sunshine and roses. No life is; this reality is not created like that. There is destruction and decay and chaos here in 3^rd dimensional Earth. Knowing the deeper truth of myself allows me to see more clearly what life is asking of me and to bring the fullness of myself to that task. My personality isn’t always on board, which can sometimes cause a delay between what I know needs to be done and actually doing it. Saturn is teaching me that the gap only causes suffering. The quicker I respond to what I know needs attending to, the less I suffer. Sounds easy right? Yogi Bhajan has a quote that helps me with this: “When the time is on you, start and the pressure will be off.” So I don’t have to do a years’ worth of filing today. I can do 15 minutes a day; the trick is to start. Often I find what prevents me from starting are all the conversations I have around the thing, like ‘it’s boring, there’s 1000 other things I’d rather be doing, why do I get so much mail anyway, why does there have to be so much paperwork in life, there are just too many details to attend to, my husband doesn’t like me anymore because the office is messy….” You get the gist. My thinking is HEAVY. These thoughts create non-realities that muck it up and make it a burden, rather than simple filing. So Saturn would like me to watch my thoughts really carefully, to notice how and when I create non-realities, then believe them as truth and ultimately suffer for them.

There is a Zen saying, “Chop wood, carry water.” I wrote this on the wall of my frame shop workroom twenty years ago and it’s still teaching me. Tom Barrett (interluderetreat.com) says of this teaching:

“Work. What does the word mean to you? Is it something to be avoided? Is it a means to an end? Is it the only appropriate focus of your attention and energy? Is it a way to avoid the rest of your life? Is it a joy? Is it a part of  your spiritual practice?
When you labor, stay awake. Notice the frame of mind you bring to your work. Do you approach your work as if it were a nuisance? Do you remove your consciousness from work so that you are filled with resentment or worry?  What would you need to do to be more fully present in your work?

Practice mindfulness in work. It does little good to attain clarity of mind on your meditation cushion if you lose it as soon as you become active. Start with simple activities like brushing your teeth, ironing clothes, or washing dishes. Be fully alert as you move. Notice the position of your body in space. Notice the feelings in your body as you move. Pay attention to the thoughts that enter your mind when you do the task. See if you can let them go and just focus on the work itself.

If you are cleaning a countertop, feel the sponge in your hand. Feel the wetness. Feel the texture. Observe how the sponge moves in your hand from the sink to the counter. Sense your movements as you scrub. What do your eyes see? What do you hear as you work? Clean that countertop as if it were the most important thing you could do. Move with fluid motions. Waste no energy. Allow yourself the grace of economy of motion. Be grateful for the countertop, the sponge, the water, the soap. Be grateful for the hand, the arm, the whole body that can move a sponge. Be thankful for the floor you stand on and the roof that protects you. Without letting your mind wander too far, be grateful for all the circumstances that put you where you are at that moment with that sponge and that water and that countertop.

When we open awareness to the tasks in our lives they become lighter. When we are able to be in the moment, we no longer feel compelled to watch the clock. Whatever your work might be, bring all of yourself to it. When you are fully present, you may find that your labor is no longer a burden. Wood is chopped. Water is carried. Life happens.”

And so I’ve recommitted to doing my work before play, to live from my organized self, and to generally rock this ‘taking care of business’ business.

So Saturn can go sit on someone else’s nerve ;)

(Photo from Nasa's Cassini Orbiter).

Taking The Lid Off

This morning I was speaking with my sister on the phone and she mentioned she remembers almost nothing of her youth. This is because our childhood was rough from the start and we largely suppressed it. Beginning when we were little tiny beings (inutereo in my case) we experienced big, heavy energies, and we had no tools or support to process those experiences, so we buried them, like stuffing feather pillows into a basket and putting the lid on it. This is what happens when we humans are faced with experiences/emotions that are too big for us to hold; we stuff it down into the depths of ourselves so we don't have to be with it. Problem is, those unexperienced emotions don't go anywhere; they remain with us, designing our reality and essentially making us sick, either physically, emotionally or both. When we stuff our emotions into a basket, we prevent them from moving, so they fester like an infected wound. You know how when your cat gets an abscess and you have to keep the wound constantly open so that it can heal from the inside out? Exactly the same. We must heal ourselves from the inside out.

As an adult who has done a lot of practices to build up my nervous system so that I can hold heavy energies, I have learned that the only way to allow this miasma of unexpressed emotion to leave my body is to take the lid off that basket. The experiences I've stuffed down don't necessarily need to be processed or understood as I have already integrated the knowing of how my childhood formed me. Now the suppressed emotions simply need me to be present with them, so that they can be expressed, so that they can move through, like a storm. E-motions. They move, which is simply what they are - energies that moves. We make emotions so much more than that by believing them as true and then reacting and/or building up huge belief systems around them. If we could be cleanly present in the moment, we would see it is just energy moving; if we can allow ourselves to feel them and then let them move through, we would be much freer and happier.

So how do we take the lid off? First, we must get our nervous system in good shape by any number of practices - yoga, breath, meditation, presence, gratitude, fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-works-for-you. For me, this has been all of the former, along with time in Nature, mantra and studying ancient wisdom practices and writings. These bring a sense of calm clarity to all of my bodies as well as my mind. We must tonify our nervous systems first because our bodies will not allow us to be with what we cannot hold. As my subtle body became more and more adept at bearing the weight of heavier and heavier energies, I began tuning in with my inner child. I know, this is the part where you roll your eyes and check out. So trite, inner child. And trite for a reason because it's real and true. When wee ones experience trauma and simply stuff it and never somatically revisit it, a part of them becomes stuck right there. So I tuned in with my inner child by first bringing myself into a meditative state, and then I began feeling/visualizing myself as a young girl - as a 'separate' entity - and eventually she was present with me. I found her curled up in a fetal position, unable to even look at me. I had to coax her to come sit with me, where ultimately she felt safe enough (I finally trust myself) to climb into my arms - and we broke open together. That was the beginning. Over many months, I revisited her again and again, and before my eyes she grew older, and my memories returned and I let the pain of my childhood go. I still revisit her as a practice and she brings a lot of information and energy to my emotional body. She's also really good friends with my puppy :)

My sister has asthma and is fully aware that it is her childhood pain, held in her body. She has done a lot of work intellectually understanding and releasing her childhood. As she begins this deep dive into somatic work, I can hardly wait to applaud her freedom.

Blessings to you all upon your journey <3