Unicorn

This Halloween my daughter Nikki was a unicorn.  Not a 'rainbow unicorn' because duh, all unicorns are rainbow.  This is the third year she has taken charge of her costume, deciding on her own what to be and somehow gathering all that she needs to make it happen.  So I am used to not being a part of that process except for giving her rides to the craft store and the like for supplies.  This is the first year she dressed herself entirely, even doing her own hair and makeup without asking for any assistance from me.  In fact she insisted on no help at all, sequestering herself in her bathroom and asking to be left alone.  I must admit I was a bit bummed although I did not let her know that.  My difficulty in letting her go is not her business nor should it be her concern.

She also did not want me to be with her trick-or-treating.  Well, she wanted me there, just not by her.  And I can feel this may be my last year to even be there.  Next year she may just want to be dropped off and picked up.  I am sad for this ending, glad I have been present through all the trick-or-treating, and excited to see what this may open up for me as far as my time and freedom.

She is in the 6th grade this year, in a new school that encourages her to find her own voice, her own inner vision and make conscious choices.  This is a kid who has been sure of herself since forever, sometimes to a fault.  She trusts herself more than anyone else - this took some getting used to when she was little.  My personality wanted her to trust me the most.  Now she is learning to take other people into account when making choices so it's a whole new game.  And it feels wonderful to me, because she is actually, for the first time, aware of my needs...sometimes anyway.  So as she grows into herself and pulls away from me and her dad, I constantly remind myself that this is good, this is what she is supposed to do - it's evidence we're doing a good job.

Also it feels like crap.

I of course love to be needed in the intense way children need and this has been my experience of it for the past 11 years.  She and I are deeply connected; I have been her playmate, her sibling, her pet, her confidente, her defender, her hero.  I have relished her unconditional love and attention, loved being her true north.  And now I am just mom, and she would really rather I keep my distance in public.  She confides in her friends now, telling them the secrets she used to tell me.  I knew she liked a boy at her dance class and asked her several times and she always replied no, she didn't like him.  Then recently I read a text stream between her and a friend and he was mentioned several times as her crush.  At first I was crushed until I remembered, oh right, this is how this is supposed to happen.  This is her stepping into a new version of herself and this is what it looks like right now.

That said, it still doesn't feel good - I feel like she is becoming a whole new person without involving me.  And the only access I have to hidden parts of her is to dig deeper, to read her text streams, to overhear her phone conversations - which she knows I do and will continue to do.  Part of our agreement for her to get a phone at such a young age was that her dad and I are to have full access to it at any time, for her protection.  We are in uncharted territory here with these kids and their electronic devices and I do not intend to look away.

So, when I let her know I had read some texts, I did not mention anything about her crush.  I suppose her not telling me meant she did not want it to be my business.  Fair enough, that's her prerogative.  And I will not take it personally.

 As she changes and grows and tries on new parts of herself, I get to simply notice, hold space for absolutely all of it, and not make any of it about me.  I want to be the ground she walks on, stable, dependable, rooted - so that when the world gets too crazy for her, she will know where to run to.  I will be her safe place to come home to, a container for her secrets, her worries, her fears.  And her joys.  I will be the one who doesn't judge, never betrays, who always holds her tenderly in unconditional love.

So for now, I will quietly watch her venture out into new territory.  I will walk behind her while she trick-or-treats because that's where she wants me.  Someday she will realize I have always been - and forever will be - behind her, arms out, ready to catch her when she falls.

Initiate.

At the end of August I completed my year-long 'Modern Day Priestess' training and became an Initiated Priestess.  I am going to continue with the program as a teacher-trainer when the new training launches this month.  If I weren't continuing on this particular path, I suspect I would have felt a deep sense of loss as the training ended.  I have grown extremely fond of being in the high vibrational space held by the facilitator Kate Rodger, of sitting in circle with sisters, of remembering the ancient ways together, of processing and clearing while being deeply held by those who understand my heart as well as I do.  Of course we are all connected in unbreakable ways and will forever be there for one another - it's just that initial blush, the first coming together of a sacred soul group that is unspeakably sweet and makes me want to grab onto it with both hands and never let go.  And of course I eventually must and will.  For now I am thrilled that I get to return to the warm embrace of the Casa de Maria, to witness a new soul group coalesce into brightness, to continue my own path of remembering how to hold space for another's brilliance to emerge.

So I have been spending time with this concept of 'Initiated'.

Dion Fortune writes that the Initiate is one “...whom the Higher Self, the Individuality, has merged with the personality and actually entered into incarnation in the physical body."   In other words, one's Higher Self has now entered the third dimensional purview of the Initiate.  One has touched upon the fullness of oneself, and made contact with the higher realms of one's particular beingness.  This feels true to me.  Since Initiation, I feel a whole other level of connectedness with all that is,  and my inner guidance is much more palpable.  My still small voice within is ever so much louder.

Just prior to my Initiation, I was told that I was 'leaving behind my secular life' and was becoming something entirely new.  These words really struck me, particularly 'secular'.  Webster defines secular as "pertaining to worldly things or to things that are not regarded as religious, spiritual, or sacred; temporal."  For all the years I have been on a spiritual path, it has mostly been a segregated one; my life was largely secular with a bit of spirituality thrown in.  Over the course of the past few years, my focus has become largely spiritual with some secular thrown in.  And now I have committed to a wholly spiritual life.

This is what my Initiation means to me - I have committed to live the truth as I know it, which means living this truth in every moment of every day.  This truth is based on Oneness - that we are all One, a single Beingness that essentially copied Itself ad infinitum to experience Itself on a whole new level.  To bring about something that had never been before.  And the creative urge behind it all is simply Love.  And so I am committed to holding the purest vibration I can - to allowing the All to reveal Love through me, as me - thus living my life to it's highest potential.  Why?  Because I see so much separation in the world - so many souls forgetting they are One with all others.

We have lived in the illusion of separation for many thousands of years, and it wasn't always this way.  Our distant ancestors knew about Oneness, they lived it.  And some indigenous peoples on the planet still live it today, although they are marginalized as primitive and immaterial.  Due to many factors too vast to explore here, the collective consciousness moved away from the truth and reached a tipping point toward separation - and we literally fell from the garden that was Oneness, that was Love.  We fell from a place of knowing that when one wins, we all win.  And we all lose together too.  We fell from sharing our food and resources, from making sure everyone's needs were met, from living in purposeful communities where all members were important and valuable.  We fell from a place of understanding that the Earth is us - when we act with disregard toward the planet, we destroy our very own selves.

So, we fell into the illusion that we are all separate from one another and from the Earth and everything in it.  We have been wandering in the wilderness ever since...and I choose not to wander any more.  I choose to inhabit that part of the collective consciousness where Love resides.  And it does not mean ignoring anger or avarice; I simply create a different reality for myself.  In truth we each create our own unique world based on our deepest beliefs and truths.  It also doesn't mean trying to be perfect, for part of the human experience is the freedom to explore the beautiful contrast of the multitudinous ways of being.  The difference is that now when I 'check out', I do so by choice.  I consciously go unconscious.  And I find I am losing my affinity for unconsciousness. 

 Now, instead of reacting with anger to the guy who sped up on the freeway rather than letting me in, I remember he is me.  I have done this very same thing unconsciously.  Even if I haven't, I am certainly capable of an unkind act - we all are, it's our birthright, inherent in free will.  And that poor guy hasn't yet remembered that I am him; if he slowed and let me in, his heart would be much better for it.  The world would have become incrementally kinder in that moment.  So, as an initiated priestess, I will remember for both of us.  I will hold him in compassion rather than anger.  I will bless him on his way and say a silent prayer that he hears his heart whispering the right thing  to do next time.  I will hold a space for his remembering that every action, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential, is vastly important not only for our own lives but for the collective as well, for we are One.  I am choosing to hold the high watch, to take the high road, to stand for Love - for all.

To initiate.  To begin.  If the prophecies of generations of indigenous elders like the Maya are correct, this year marks the time when we are all initiating a path of return - to wholeness, to Oneness, to remembering.  To Love.

I believe ~  and I'll see you there ♥

Blown

 I have been a student for as long as I can remember. After graduating college, I continued to take classes at local community schools - I have studied such an eclectic array of topics I can barely recall them all. Since the early 90's, they have  been largely spiritual in nature. I listen and learn and study and seek, search for the next teacher and read the books over and over. And over again. When I became a mom, I had a whole new area of study. And good lord, I went for it. I took classes, seminars, webinars, had private counciling sessions - you name it, I did it. I count 37 parenting books on my shelf. I remember the day when I was preparing to take yet another parenting seminar and a friend remarked "Really? Can't you teach those classes by now?!" And of course she was right. I went to that seminar and realized I could indeed lead that class. I had finally reached a point where there was nothing more I could learn from someone else about parenting my child. I had to admit that I was actually being a good parent. Why did it take me so long to get that and why did it take a friend to point that out to me? (Thank you Sharyn ♥)

Last year when I was in Sedona, I went to see a healer aptly named Angel. The first thing she said to me was that I have spent many lifetimes at the feet of Masters, learning. That certainly resonated, given my track record in this lifetime. I find a teacher/guru and immerse myself in their classes, their books, indeed their every word and very Beingness. I inhale them and hold my breath. I change my life at their directive - I find new practices, language, even food. And so much of what I learn and take on is good - sign posts, arrows, leading me in the direction of my own heart. And so much of it is clutter, fodder for my mind to spin and spin. And I haven't known how to stop searching and looking for the next thing. Until now. I am beginning to remember that I already am what it is I am seeking.

I spoke briefly in my last post about Spiritual Materialism; my understanding of this concept is based on the teachings of a man who is largely responsible for bringing Buddhism to the west named Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Of course I have studied Buddhism along the way (as well as Catholicism, Christianity, Sufism, Taoism, Judiaism and probably a few others I no longer recall) and had taken what I liked of it and moved along. I could not get past the Buddhist notion that we used to talk to trees. Ironic, isn't it? Today I spend an inordinate amount of time talking to trees...and so I am circling back to the teachings of  Gautama Buddha. For years I thought he sat under that Bodhi tree in order to attain enlightenment, and so I ran right out and began attaining. I didn't have time to sit under a tree for days so my enlightenment was going to have to happen on the fly, while I was busy living my life. So I sucked in wisdom in every spare moment, from every corner - had to pack it in while I had the time. And only now, years later, do I realize that all that does is make my mind spin. It's made me a great conversationalist (so I've been told) however I am out for much more than conversation. And the constant input has muddied my own deep knowing.

This fervent urge toward taking the next class or reading yet another book is simply me looking for answers outside myself. And when I run across contradictory teachings, as I recently did, big-time, it rocked me to my core. After I managed to pick myself up off the ground (yet again), I stopped spinning. I simply stopped. And I remained still for a period of days, not allowing my mind to engage with questioning or confusion at all. I simply sat in the present moment waiting for my own inherent wisdom to arise. And of course it came, beyond measure it came. And from this place of clarity, I can finally see that attaining is really just putting lots of other people's truths into my mind and heart and trying to see if it fits. And of course it can't fit because it isn't mine. Parts of it can resonate and ultimately point me toward my own truth, which really is the bottom line - my truth exists solely within me. I am a singular and  particualar emination of it. Other people can light the path and remind me of Universal Truths, however the only way I can truly know what is mine to know is to go within. This is what Rinpoche was speaking of, that this 'attaining' is Spititual Materialsim. It is an egoic pursuit, to seek out and learn more so I can feel like I am getting somewhere and becoming someone. It is spiritual wisdom as a commodity. And of course all wisdom and knowing exists right now, fully, inside me, in a unique form that is soley mine. I came with it into this body - it is inherent in the Spirit that animates every human being. And so the true spiritual path is to simply remember this. To give up all I have attained to simply Be what I am. To embody what I am. Wholeness. Purity. Wisdom. Joy. Truth.

So I am officially declaring that I know. I am no longer in pursuit of anything. Will I still take classes? Of course - I like engaging my mind in that way. However, I will take only those that help facilitate my own knowing, by reminding me how to access it. That said, the class I am currently taking (What? Of course there's a class) is led by my mentor Rev. Kate Rodger, who deeply understands this concept. She gently and lovingly leads me to my own knowing; all questions are directed within. She reminds me who and what I am. And so I find myself finally free - from the 'need' to keep searching, from confusion, from being overwhelmed by all I wish to know. Now it's time to sit in stillness and breathe. A lot. And all will come in perfect timing, perfectly formed, purposefully, for me, from me.

Priestess

I am three-quarters of the way through a year-long training called Modern Day Priestess. The training is being facilitated by my mentor Rev. Kate Rodger, who is the most pristinely awake human I know. I spent five days last week in Montecito, Ca on the incredibly beautiful grounds of Casa de Maria, a retreat center set among old growth live oaks with San Ysidro Creek running through it. There is a labyrinth, a meditation chapel, orchards and many quiet, peaceful places tucked away where one can lose oneself in Stillness. Most importantly, there are 15 extraordinary women taking this journey with me - a journey to one's own heart, to the truth that lies at the center of each of us, a truth that is boundless and eternal. Doing this work with like-minded sisters underlines it, makes it more vibrant and clear, as each of us brings different life experiences and approaches it from a unique angle. The Whole is exposed through the various planes and angles cut into the prism that is Life.The unity of the Divine Feminine, the Sisterhood, is familiar to me and feels as old as Time itself.

 As I move more deeply into this work, I am shedding the layers I have allowed life to lay upon me, the persona's, the 'ways of dealing', the habitual patterns and default settings that have literally become 'Me'. For years I used my spirituality as just another layer, practicing what Chogyam Rinpoche calls 'Spiritual Materialism', which he described as "the desire for a spiritual path that led you to become something, to attain a state you could be proud of, instead of a path that unmasked your self-deception." While my soul was always called to something much deeper, my personality thought the spiritual stuff was cool and edgy and set me apart. And I'm thankful for that because it kept me on the path. I remember the exact moment five years ago when I realized I was on the path for the 'wrong' reason - when I instantly understood that there was nothing to get, nowhere to arrive at. That the path itself was the destination, that to reach for awakening was to be in service to all Life, which was the entire point. In a moment, I knew that striving to be something kept me from being what I already was. In a moment, I let go of needing to be cool. What freedom! And so began the real work, of letting go of everything I wasn't - the manufactured belief systems, the thoughts that arose that I thought were me, and others' opinion and experience of me. The Modern Day Priestess work takes this even deeper - down into the energetic experiences that birth patterned response and behavior. I can actually go back into an experience and transform the energetic reality of it, which then spirals up into my current experience of it. I find this absolutely amazing work. I leave each time hardly recognizing myself on a surface level and at the same time, feeling myself melt into the deeper truth that always underlies who I am. I feel the truth of my own subtle energy body and the energies that completely surround us - from other beings, from plants, animals, planets and even rocks. We exchange with these energies whether we are aware of it or not. And moving into a place of conscious exchange feels like lifting up the covers of the world and finally seeing what I have always known - there is SO much more than meets the eye.

I have many friends and family members who have absolutely no interest in lifting the covers - this life is enough for them to be with already. And they find it peculiar that I am so eager to run around in the woods talking to plants. I get it, it sounds peculiar to me as well. And I have always been called to investigate and understand the Mystery, to know what's behind the curtain, to explain what my body was always feeling as truth.  So for me, it is a life-time of prayers answered - to have the ability to interpret the Reality on a deeper, more integrated level, to leave the world of the mind with all its shifting loyalties, and live from my heart, the true Wisdom seat of my being. To see all beings for what they truly are, beyond appearance and action - to see them as Oneness, expressing Itself as Love. To see the entire Reality as One, as Love Loving Itself. Wow. Deep, deep breath. That feels amazing and exactly like the truth.

My personality struggles a bit with this deeper knowing. As I shed my crusty layers and feel the subtle energies, I get blown out a bit by people around me. I find I am quite sensitive now, perhaps because for the first time, I am actually hearing what people are saying. I can feel their energy and the energetic charge of their words. And people are intense, which is probably why we build up crusty layers in the first place. My personality wants me to layer back up, to protect myself from the blast - and I refuse. I have traveled very far and studied very intently - over multiple lifetimes - to be exactly here. Open, exposed, girding my courage to stand face to face with myself, with others and with how things really are. This both enthralls and boggles my entire being and that's okay, I came for it all - to be boggled and enlightened and boggled again. It is a process, a first-class e-ticket ride home, to Oneness, to Love. And I am entirely, completely and utterly all in.

Clean

Sometimes I catch myself saying something in a moment when I have just enough perspective to hear it as though it was coming out of someone else's mouth. Oftentimes I am impressed and think "Wow, that woman is smart and well-spoken." And other times, like this most recent, I think "Oh God, that woman is completely nuts, as in, like, get a net." The viral videos with titles like 'Shit Yogis Say' and 'Shit Angelinos Say' really bring home how wildly stupid I must sound much of the time. There was one where I had uttered some form of every single thing they were parodying. And of course taken out of context, it sounds so much worse. But still.


Recently I have been saying things like "Chia seeds are SO amazing!" and "This protein shake is super yum!" or best yet "I can't wait to make kale juice for dinner." I'm changing right before my very eyes and some part of my mind/personality hasn't caught up yet and is actually mocking me as I progress. To explain, I am on Day 24 of a 21-day cleanse. I am doing it with a group of about 25 people, led by my husband. The group started the cleanse on March 8th and my husband being my husband, we had to start on the 5th, because, well, just because. The cleanse is based on Alejandro Junger's book 'Clean' and is a 21-day cleanse comprised of a shake for breakfast, clean protein like organic chicken or fish for lunch and a shake or juice for dinner, with plenty of healthy snacks in between. I have only done one cleanse prior to this - a seven day juice fast that was kind of excruciating after which I felt the best I ever have in my life. This cleanse is different in that there is actual food involved and in the beginning I had doubts that it would be as effective as a juice fast. However, I am starting to understand that eating for 24 days completely consciously from a list of purely whole foods is changing absolutely everything about my interaction with food. I am finally being forced to investigate things I have always known about yet hid from - like fermentation and sprouting seeds. And making my own nut milks. Now I am happily integrating foods I have been trying to ignore for years - like chia seeds, goji berries, hemp seeds, raw cacao, bee pollen, Brewers Yeast and the like. I have seen these things in the aisles of Whole Foods Market for years and occasionally picked them up to read the packaging. There are never any instructions, like what it's for or how to use it so I left them for the super healthy eaters, the vegans and the self-sprouters. Sometimes I would get inspired and buy one, vowing to investigate and integrate it into my diet. It would invariably wind up  in the very back of the pantry shelf, mocking me each time I happened upon it and finally I would throw it away to put myself out of misery. Now, faced with a fairly sparse list of foods I can eat, I am taking the time to figure this out. And truth be told - these foods are actually really, really awesome.

My morning shake is absolutely brilliant because it is fast and portable - and I can load that thing with an unbelievable amount of nutrition. Along with raw protein powder, I add bee pollen, which energizes me while calming my nervous system and promotes cell regeneration, as well as aloe juice for alkalizing the body. And healthy fats like walnut oil which help to balance out hormones and reduce symptoms of peri-menopause. As for chia seeds and goji berries - there isn't enough time in the day to list all their benefits. Same goes for garlic. As a snack in the evening, I put super thinly sliced garlic between two apple slices. Yum! (Not really, however the benefits of garlic could fill a small volume and then some.) Another major change I am integrating is cooking for myself at lunch. I am a grab-what-you-can type of lunch eater, and quite often I would forget all about lunch until running out the door to get my daughter at school. And my lunch became whatever was left in her lunch box. Yum! (Not really.) Now I am actually planning ahead and cooking my lunch - and sitting down to enjoy it all by myself, without reading a book or cruising the Internet while eating. Just me and myself, lunching, with gratitude. Eating like this feels like self-love and is really satisfying.

Why are you doing a cleanse, you ask? It's true - I have been on the healthy-eater end of the spectrum since college. I took a nutrition class in college - one class - and it woke me up to the fact that oh, we eat because our bodies need specific nutrients in order to operate. Up until then, I had no connection to this fact. I ate because I was hungry. I ate whatever was available that tasted good. I never really thought about what I ate. Since college, I grab an apple for a snack, do my best to eat vegetables whenever possible and eat protein at least once a day. This sustained me with a fairly high level of health for many years. When the whole Organic thing hit, I bought organic fruits and vegetables here and there although not always because the prices took my breath away. When my daughter was born, my focus turned to her and I realized that if she had eaten well during the day, I felt great, regardless of how I had eaten. And more and more I was eating on the go, giving my attention to her needs over my own as was necessary. As a result I developed a habit of living off her leftovers for breakfast, like the crusts from her toast and lunch sandwiches. Lunch as I said meant her left-overs and the rare occasions when she actually ate her lunch meant I skipped altogether. (And of course those days only happened when I was really, really hungry.) In between, I would supplement with various bars and juices.


And then in my 40's it began to catch up with me. I had no energy, my hormones started swinging, I developed polyps on my thyroid and the good health I had taken for granted started slipping away. I began working with a homeopath and I remember day-dreaming on my way to my first testing session with her - how she would say things like "Wow, you are in really great shape for your age! Just a tweak here and there and you are good to go!" And "We actually need to study you because you are essentially defying all laws of aging!" After all, I was one of the healthiest people I knew - ate well, exercised regularly, got 8 hours of sleep and only moderately indulged my vices. And of course, Anna the homeopath said the exact opposite. My adrenals and gallbladder were shot, my kidneys and immune system were struggling, I was seriously deficient in almost all vitamins, most notably D's and B's. She prescribed about 15 different tinctures and supplements to take every day, sometimes twice per day. I was shocked. It was a serious wake-up call. Since last September when I started this new regimen, I have felt better and better. I sleep more deeply than I ever have. I wake up rested, clear, energetic. I remember things. My skin looks bright. My hair shines. The polyps are shrinking. When next I visit my endocrinologist, she will say "My gosh! We really need to study you - you are defying all laws of...."


And then the Cleanse, which has kicked me up into the next level of awareness around food. I have a friend whose entire family is raw vegan and grow the bulk of their own food. I leave her house exhausted from just watching all the work she does to eat. That isn't me - I don't have the time or inclination to invest most of my day into what my family eats. I do however get to give up a lot of the convenience of 'healthy' packaged foods and quick fixes like warming things up in the microwave. I have been sticking my head in the sand around microwaves for ten-plus years. I did not want to know that the microwave radiation actually kills the nutrition in the food. NOOOOO!!! It's soooo conveeeenient.....Recently I had dinner with my husbands family at my sister-in-law's house and when I protested that I didn't want my daughter's healthy take-out food warmed in the microwave, they actually got angry with me. I get it - they don't want to know either. Knowing means changing. And change can be a bitch.


So, I'm changing. I can no longer look at a piece of cheese without knowing that it will cause inflammation and mucus in my body. Non-organic fruits and vegetables are absolutely loaded with so many tiny, invisible toxins that I'm better off not eating them at all. And wheat. Beloved Wheat. Not my friend. And so, in one scenario, I become that a-hole in the restaurant who can't really eat anything from the menu and winds up with a plate of lettuce and an avocado, who carries her own food around, who makes her family and friends angry with her lifestyle choices. Or I get really, really creative and figure out how to be in the world, how to eat at friends' homes and in restaurants in a way that works. I haven't figured that part out yet - when I do, I'll let you know...

Abundance

I am currently taking a teleclass on Abundance that runs for 40 consecutive days from 6-7am. I took this same class at this same time last year and it was beyond valuable – thus my willingness to repeat it. The committitment to awaken at 5:50am for 40 days – weekends included - is huge for me. I typically struggle to get up by 7am. Unlike my husband and daughter, I do not wake up perky and energized about getting on with my day. I can count on one hand how many times I have awoken with the feeling that I have had enough sleep, regardless of how many hours I actually get. I am a bit of a freak about getting at least seven hours for it is  truly my minimum where I can be fully functional and present.  To purposefully get up before the crack of dawn is a practice in and of itself. And the truth is, I love the world before the sun rises. There is something unspeakably still, like all the potential of the coming day is coiled up and waiting for the sun to set it in motion. The house is absolutely silent and I move within this silence easily, my mind not yet creating it’s endless To Do lists. And then I sit in the darkness to listen and learn as the stars recede and world is slowly revealed around me. Each day feels brand new, a solitary, unique gift when I move into it in this way. Last year, I promised myself that even when the class ended, I would continue to get up at 6am and I did for a bit, and then the nights got later and later and I slipped back into my old habit. This year I will make a smaller promise, to get up before dawn at least two mornings a week once the class is completed.

The class. Oh my goodness, the class is such goodness. Each morning I get to commune with a group of about 10 women as we delve deeply into the Spiritual Principle of Abundance. This everyday call makes me completely present to the noticing of Abundance in my daily life.  Last year, my experience with this principle changed absolutely everything about how I live within myself and how I participate in the wider world. Noticing Abundance in everyday moments led me to a deep understanding that everything, simply EVERY THING is always and in all ways wholly infused with the fullness of Divine Flow. There is no separation - it is simply always present. Now I move through life literally standing in the knowing that All Is Well - All is Unimaginably Well, regardless of my perception of how it looks or feels. The only thing that makes this knowing wax and wane in my experience is my level of participation with it - how much attention I am giving it, if I am noticing Abundance and in the noticing, amplifying it. This flow is like a river that runs through my house and sometimes I forget - so I find myself up in the attic dying of thirst.

In Jewish Folk Wisdom, there is a concept that if one enjoys the fruits of the world without appreciating them, it is the same as stealing. A kabbalistic prayerbook for Tu B'Sh'vat, which is a yearly celebration of the trees, says "A person who enjoys the pleasures of this world without blessing is called a thief because the blessing is what causes the continuation of the divine flow into the world." So Divine Flow is literally fueled by our noticing and appreciation of it. Attention and Gratitude is fuel, like giving water and sunshine to a plant. The Jewish people have prayers for everything, including for waking up in the morning and even going to the bathroom. In this way, they remember to remember, to be ever mindful of the Divine Presence and to be thankful for it. And so the sacred grows, literally and figuratively, in all aspects of life. I know but a few of these Hebrew prayers; however I pay hommage silently and otherwise to much of what occurs throughout my day. Where I am placing my attention is a powerful tool that is mine alone to wield as I please, despite outside illusions of 'Must' and 'Should'. It is how I fulfull my agreement with myself to be present. It  takes only a moment to acknowledge the color of the sky in the morning, or the twittering of awakening birds, or the blooming rosemary I pass on the way to the garage. Or the green of the orchard, or how good my body feels, after all I put it through - it's still in there plugging away, bringing me ever new experiences. When I acknowlege it and give thanks, my body actually feels better. The orchard looks even greener. My attention to it amplifies the sacredness of all things, all moments, all paths. And Divine Flow comes freely, with grace and ease, in Abundance. What a blessing.

Time

My New Year’s Resolution is to be less busy. Those who know me are all too aware that my schedule is packed; any social invitation has probably less than a 50% chance of finding a place in my calendar unless I am given at least 6 weeks’ notice. Upon receiving an invitation, I find myself chanting as I open my calendar “please let this work, please let this work…” and quite often it doesn’t. Why? To start with, I volunteer – at the Institute of Modern Wisdom, at my daughter’s school and now at my Temple. That’s a lot right there – meetings, workshops, projects large and small - and a ton of associated social activities, all of which I feel privileged to participate with. And there is my daughter who each year becomes more intimate with the world, her schedule burgeoning in all directions and dimensions. And my friends, my loves, my woven web that feeds and must be fed. I have always had many different groups of friends – a finger in every pie so to speak. All delight in different ways and I don’t see any of them enough. And family. We are blessed to live within a few miles of my husband’s immediate family, with whom we gather weekly for dinner –a time held sacred, and cherished. And, most importantly, there is my time with myself – to meditate, pray, read, commune and listen to the trees. I say ‘most importantly’ because ultimately this is what holds it all together.

Travel also requires time – huge chunks of time and we do this as a family quite a lot. The urge to get on a plane is deeply engrained in each of us. We do it to step out of our busy lives – to experience somewhere completely foreign and new and for the benefit of coming home forever expanded and changed. We yearn to return to Park City again and again for the simplicity of life there. We are ‘at home’ in our little ski condo, without the busyness of home. No To Do lists, no appointments, no calendar. We have a few friends we see there and we have ample time for all of them. And we spend a lot of time doing absolutely nothing, which feels exactly like Bliss.

At home, as I navigate my day, there is barely enough time to do anything. Just a few years ago, I felt more space in the time/space continuum. Yes, I did have extra-busy days where I felt I was doing triage– attending to only those things that were crucial because that was all I had time for on that particular day or stretch of days. Now it seems I am always in triage mode. And it doesn’t suit me. I like doing things well, thoroughly, which requires careful thought, and time to think.

 I simply need more time.

I feel the Internet is quite probably the main culprit, that baby-faced bandit of time. I know more about what’s available, what’s going on in the world, about events I want to participate in. I know more people and my circle is constantly expanding due to connections through social media like Facebook. I am exposed to more art, videos, Ted Talks, music and books that I want to consume. It is literally endless. I must grow a new filtering system before the system simply crashes. And how do I do that? How do I triage my interests and desires?

I have been consciously examining my day-to-day doings and cutting the fat. No more Huffington Post, Salon or Dooce every day. I check these now about twice a week. No more daily check-ins on Facebook, for it, hands down, wins as The Largest Time-Sucking Black Hole Ever. I delete many of my emails without ever opening them and only occasionally read the Daily Om, Abraham Hicks and Tut emails that come every single day. I miss these small injections of consciousness and yet it is a relief not to have so many emails vying for my attention. When putting something into my calendar now, I do it with absolute Intention. Is it really important to be there? Crucial even? I find I say No to things I would have automatically, without thought, said Yes to in the past.

So far I have not noticed any difference in my schedule; I am as busy as ever, triaging every day. And yet. I can feel it coming – the long, slow hush of time stretching out, of hours to spend at my leisure, to feel the direction the wind is blowing, to notice the shape of my husband’s face, to do a thing slowly with quiet attention.

 

 I can hardly wait...

Silence

I have been contemplating Silence. Me, a lover of words, the lover of my own voice, discovering inner volumes that are preserved only when I do not speak of them. I have grown up in a culture that values ‘talking it out,’ and ‘speaking your piece’. I have spent years using the spoken and written word to process much of what I experience, and certainly the vast majority of my spiritual growth has seen the light of day through conversation. And now I am learning the value of allowing those experiences to settle internally, on their own, in silence. This, it turns out, is big.  

I recently read ‘Of Water and the Spirit’ by Malidoma Somé, who writes of his initiation into the Dagara people of West Africa. The traditional indigenous life of the Dagara is quickly disappearing and he writes to preserve it. Their culture is chock full of everyday magic and yet their language has no word for the supernatural. “The closest we come to this concept is Yielbongura – the thing that knowledge can’t eat. This word suggests that the life and power of certain things depend on their resistance to the kind of categorizing knowledge that human beings apply to everything.” This struck me very deeply. So did the Dagara shaman’s custom of keeping his medicine private. He does not speak of it to anyone except when teaching his son.  To teach it otherwise would be to diminish it’s power.  So when I speak of my experiences – particularly the deep spiritual awakenings I have encountered over the past 5 years, I take them out of the realm they actually exist in and try to understand them through the vastly limited world of human language, which is ultimately a construct of the mind. I force the infinite into the finite and try to make sense of it there. I am learning to simply leave it be, where it is, in silence. And so, intact, it integrates into the silent part of me, the subtle body, where the breath presides, where words have no place.  

In Jewish tradition, the Divine/God really has no name, for it is that which is beyond naming. On another level, the Divine has a name but it cannot be spoken – this is YHVH or Yud Hey Vav Hey. There are no vowels so Rabbis throughout the ages have struggled with how it would be pronounced. The letters themselves are simply a rush of air, the sound of the breath - the place where man connects to the Divine – where words have no place. 

Malidoma Somé says, “Human words cannot encode meaning because human language has access only to the shadow of meaning.”  I am approaching a deep understanding of this. What I am learning now of myself, of the nature of reality, of the nature of the Divine can no longer be brought into casual or even purposeful conversation. It is too big; it doesn’t fit. So I expose myself to it, I feel into it, I know it…and then I put it down and walk away. Or I go to sleep, which seems to be my body’s preferred method of integration these days. In the realm of Spirit, I have given up the ideas of categorization and conclusion – tidy notions that allow me to work comfortably within the grid of pattern and safety. There is no growth for me there; after 48 years in this body, my external conversation around it has grown stale. It no longer serves. And where the words fall short, I enter a place of internal stillness, a vast cathedral of space where everything and nothing exist simultaneously, wordlessly. 

I find my new-found silence a great relief.  I experience myself as more calm and peaceful. Somé says it perfectly. “Peace is letting go – returning to the silence that cannot enter the realm of words because it is too pure to be contained in words. That is why the tree, the stone, the river, the mountain are silent.”

Baby

A few days ago I visited a friend who had her first (and likely only) baby 6 weeks ago. Seeing her in her small house, now transformed into Baby Land, her every moment taken and given to that baby created a deep clutching in my chest and I had to remind myself to breathe. I had forgotten what that small world was like. 

 I suspected my friend might struggle after giving birth, because I could recognize myself at her age. In the weeks after, she wouldn’t answer her phone and I heard she was having a difficult time. I left her messages assuring her that what she was feeling was normal, for which she later thanked me. For some women like myself, having a baby is crushing in many ways. The realization that your life has suddenly become entirely about this little being, who you love with an almost frightening ferocity – but that is absolutely all there is. Her every moment hooks into yours. It’s all on you. Your life becomes reduced to the singular thing, to caring for a seeming alien, to begging God for a good burp, because the quality of your life depends on it. Why is it that some women take it in stride and make it look so easy? Are they suffering in silence? Do they have different support systems than those of us who flail?

 In old Jewish tradition, after giving birth, women were sequestered for 33 or 66 days, depending on the sex of the child. Sequestered in ‘a state of blood purification’, alone, as her tribal sisters ministered to her, bringing her food, and the baby when it needed to be nursed. 66 days alone to align with this new reality; what a blessing that must have been. We in this modern age don’t get 6 hours to adjust. I was with my daughter literally from the moment she popped out, and I wanted it that way. My husband went back to work within a few days and I couldn’t wait for him to go; I wanted to be alone with my baby. And then. The loneliness, isolation and repetitiveness made my world smaller and smaller. Somehow I got through it although I can’t say how. I remember books and movies helped - and walking, for hours with my girl in a stroller, so small and bundled people would ask me if there was an actual baby in there. Yes, there was, a tiny, amazing, mostly unhappy bundle that hijacked my entire existence. 

 My friend said “It just doesn’t feel natural.” I know exactly what she means. After 11 years, it still doesn’t feel natural, although I notice I am quite motherly to my friends now. Somehow I can manage it with adults – perhaps because I can connect into their ways of being, their struggles, their frailties. My daughter remains somewhat of an alien to me. I cannot relate to her childish thoughts or behaviors. Perhaps because I was never allowed to be a child, I am forever cut off from that experience. I simply do not seem have the bandwidth to tap in. So, ‘natural’ – no, but I am doing it and doing a pretty decent job at this point. Never mind that it is the very hardest thing I have ever attempted. My daughter is happy, thriving, well-adjusted and yes, crazy a lot of the time. Just like her mama….

Begin

Herewith: my first tentative steps into the flow ~ of thought to pen (ish), of inspired idea to words made manifest. Who am I talking to? Myself, of course, always and foremost myself. Why am I writing? Because it has been my heart's desire since I can remember. Because I want to respect myself. Because I cannot get another day older without taking at least the tiniest step toward listening to my heart's deepest wish. Today my mentor said about inner listening: "What's it going to look like? I don't know, but I am following something that does know, and I trust it."


And so, with trust, I begin.