Breaking My Silence

I haven't been writing or even talking much lately (unless you ask my 12-year-old daughter, who says I talk "non-stop").  I have been remembering to listen - to other people, even strangers, to my own words as they come out of my mouth and hit my eardrums, to my inner voice that speaks very faintly, to my ancestors, guides and angels.  And, perhaps most importantly, to the Universe.  I have always been a talker and this year it was time for me to be a listener.  I have learned A TON from listening; for instance, coffee makes the chatter-y voices in my head talk faster and louder.  Nikki has discovered Eminem and of course it's perfect because he speaks of all the angst-y, in-your-face, 'I'ma be who I'ma be' energy that she is fully inhabiting right now.  And I like Eminem, I used to listen to him, which gave me major cred when I quietly began singing along in the car.  I thought Nikki's eyes would bug out of her head.  Anyway, he's on near constant rotation in our car these days and likewise in my head.  And on coffee he really is a rap god. 

Also, I learned that about 50% of what comes out of my mouth is utter bullsh-t.  Truly just crap.  Stuff I made up and then believed, stuff that I wish were true, 'observations' that are simply rehashed and trite.  Much of it is mind-reading - where I tell people what I think they are thinking.  Oh man.  Ouch.  That's the hardest one for me to be with.  My brilliant daughter has been telling me for years that I do this.  And I would think "Oh...children...if they only knew..."

Turns out they do know.

And what they know is that grown-ups need to shut the fuck up.  We older folks have been drinking the Kool-Aid for waaaay too many years to really know what we're talking about when it comes to the younger generations.  When my daughter was born, I marveled at how perfect she was - a pristine, whole Universe in the form of a human baby.  My deepest knowing told me that she came fully equipped with all she needed, yet I still believed I had something to teach her.  I needed to inform her about the world, about how to be in it, how to navigate life and other people - how to do, well,  EVERYTHING.  She began telling me when she was about three that she really didn't need my help in this.  Not in those words exactly.  She would say "You're not being a very good mother right now" when I was trying to convince or coerce some behavior from her.  She would say "You talk too much."  She would say "I just need some silence right now to think about this."  I began telling my husband when she was about eight (in whispered tones), "I think she might be the teacher. I think maybe we should be listening to her."  And because I was battling the fear that I knew NOTHING about children based on my own childhood, I ping-ponged back and forth between my own knowing to let her be and what the 37 parenting books on my shelf said about consequences and building respect and showing who's boss. She never responded to discipline or consequences or any show of 'power' over her. She has always known of her own power.  Any attempt on my part to tell her she wasn't powerful fell on deaf ears, because she knew it wasn't true.

How did I try to tell her she wasn't powerful?  By trying to coerce her to be a good girl, to play along, to do what I said, to follow the rules.  She wasn't having any rules.  She navigates the world moment by moment, according to what's true for her.  She's not much concerned about what's true for anyone else.  And you know what?  She's right on for her age.  On many levels, children don't truly learn about 'other' until after the age of 14.  Until then, it's all about them.  And why not?  Why not let her childhood be about discovery - self-directed discovery, so that she can lead her own self into unchartered territory.  Isn't that why she came?  To reveal something new, something never seen before?   To be the one and only divine emanation moving through the unique collection of DNA called Nikki Gelb in this lifetime?  Why try to make her like everyone else?  Why try to get her to follow society's rules?  Who made up these rules?  So much of what society believes and teaches is total crap to me.  Just look at television.  And I'm supposed to teach my girl to follow some code of conduct or rule of ethics because...?  Because it makes folks comfortable when everyone conforms.  It makes us feel safe and secure when we all agree to buy each other's bullsh-t.  Well, I'm not buying it anymore, not even from myself.

Our educational system in this country is set up to make good employees.  It is set up to create a society that is good at responding to 'authority' and following rules.  What is 'Authority'?  According to Webster's Dictionary it is:

1) "The power to give orders or make decisions: the power or right to direct or control someone or something."  Ok, what gives someone the power to direct or control someone?  Do I have the power to direct or control my daughter because I am bigger, stronger, older and wiser than her?  What if I'm not wiser?  She has proven to me countless times that I am not wiser.  She came into this life much more awake than I did.  I have been fighting through years of illusion and misinformation to get clarity on what is true for me.  My parents REALLY believed in the whole authority thing so my voice was squashed - mightily - from very early on.  And with my voice, so were my own feelings and knowing of myself.  She refuses to be squashed.  She knows her own voice.  I'm cool with that.

2) "The confident quality of someone who knows a lot about something or who is respected or obeyed by other people."  Someone who knows a lot about something - ok, I get that, albeit with knowing that any time a human takes in information, it is washed through their extensive filtering system so ultimately can only be 'truth' for them.  I may look to you to be an expert because you have spent time investigating something I have not looked into, however if I were to spend as much time looking at it as you did, I may reach an entirely different conclusion than your 'expert' opinion.  I may not know more about my girl and what's best for her than she does.  She is likely a better expert on herself.  And one who is OBEYED by other people?  Yuk.  I can only obey those whose leadership I resonate with.  I trust myself first and foremost.  Should I ask something different of my daughter?   Should I 'teach' her to obey because it makes others uncomfortable when she doesn't?  I'm not talking about criminal behavior here.  I'm not talking about anarchy.  Obviously there are 'rules' we all follow so that the world doesn't fall apart.  I'm talking about others telling her how to act, how to be, how to think.  How to control herself so that she speaks in a way that doesn't offend.  You know what?  Her power doesn't offend me.  She fully stands in her power and as a youngster, she's still figuring it out.  She's still in the laboratory of childhood, testing out where the line of 'too far' is so that she can find out how far she can go.  She mostly does this with me and her dad now.  Out in the world she's apparently fabulous - all I ever get from other adults who spend time with her is how wonderful she is.  A friend who's home she recently slept at texted the next day "Your daughter is delightful!"  Her teachers adore her, report cards rave about her.  So with me she is contrary, rude even, constantly pushing back.  Good.  With me she gets to explore her own power in a safe way.  I can take it, even though sometimes I suffer for it.  Sometimes it hurts my heart.  Good thing I have a strong heart and the clarity to remember the truth of her - and myself.

3) "A quality that makes something seem true or real."  Seem true or real?!  I'm not even going to touch this, except to say that for me, this fairly well sums up most mainstream 'authority' in the western world...

4) "Persons in command or a convincing force."  Under this definition, my daughter is the authority.

So here we are in this world of parenting where most people seem to follow the age-old model that looks something like this: begin with problem solving, move into explanation or advice, then onto rewards, deals or punishments, throw in some rules, responsibilities, expectations, duties and obligations. When these don't produce the desired result, move to labels and diagnosis's, criticism, contempt and/or withdrawal and finally into the inevitable blaming and/or shaming.  I tried every single one of these throughout the years.  Every one.  And all it got me was nothing.  Perhaps some temporary behavioral change that was short-lived and inauthentic.  The truth is Nikki is a very smart, very present being who has been keenly observing the world since she got here.  She knows what society expects of her.  She knows that eventually she will need to take responsibility for herself so that she can navigate her world as a healthy adult.  She knows the right thing to do - and this knowing is real and true because it comes from inside of her.  I didn't plant it in her based on what I know.  My job as a parent isn't to create a mini me or even to create a child I 'approve' of.  My job as a parent is to create a safe space for her to grow, to provide many myriad experiences for her to challenge herself, bump into herself, recognize herself, love and accept herself.  BE HERSELF.  Her own innate wisdom will take care of everything else.  The old patriarchal paradigm world will do its best to convince her that she is not wise unless she believes and behaves like everyone else.  I will continue to do my best to help her remember what she came with and who she is, beyond anyone's definition save her own.  Any 'good' behavior she may pick up at home can come only through my modeling of it.  Not telling her about it.  Not demanding it of her.  By being it, so that she may know it AS me.

If you see my child yelling at me in public or being rude or bossy or all of the above, try not to let it bug you.  Maybe if your child witnesses it, you can use it to discuss what doesn't work for you.  Know that it's ultimately ok with me, even if I may have a pained look on my face.  With every unkind word or tone, my daughter gets to know herself better.  She gets to experience who she chooses to be in any given moment.  Right now, quite often, she is a hormonal, moody, yelling to be heard girl.  That's cool.  Tomorrow she will have moved on to another layer of herself.  I'm down with all of it.  I trust her.

Ultimately, do I wish my daughter treated me with respect?  Of course I do - that sounds lovely.  And slightly preposterous at this age.  She isn't capable of even understanding what respect is for several more years.  Any show of 'respectful' behavior from my wild-spirited child would simply mean that I have successfully punched her into some mold of my choosing.  I would take 'consideration' at this point - we're working on that.  We're working on helping her to identify her feelings and needs and how to get them met so that everyone wins.  We're working on showing her that we have feelings and needs that also must be addressed.  We're working on being ourselves, authentic, unapologetic, free.  It feels good, it feels right, it feels like the truth.

Every child is different and needs diverse things from their parents.  Every family dynamic is unique unto itself.  I honor your truth, your knowing and how you are raising your children.  I am grateful when you honor mine.