Yet More Dominos Falling Part 2

Ok so Yogi Bhajan. As I am spending the day kind of on the lookout for the answer to my question (I sorta gave the Universe a deadline), a friend posts on Facebook a link from a Huffington Post Blog entitled "The Disturbing Mainstream Connections of Yogi Bhajan". Upon first seeing the image of the link, I feel very agitated, angry even. UGH! People are always trying to tear at the truth, always trying to muddy the water to create doubt in people's minds. I click on the link. And read the blog. Huh. I click through all the links, to websites where former followers are airing their grievances, to legal documents wherein Yogi Bhajan and his people are charged with some pretty serious allegations including sexual abuse and fraud. Bigger HUH. (Now my head is tilted and my eyes are squinty and I kind of have a stomach ache.) However once a journalist, always a journalist so I am not going to take the word of some disgruntled 'employees'. And anyone can accuse anyone of anything, right? Until I come upon a paper published by a PhD student at UC Santa Barbara about the 'Construction' of Yogi Bhajan's Kundalini Yoga. And it is annotated and footnoted and peer reviewed and verified. And it shows that the provenance of Kundalini Yoga as taught by Yogi Bhajan is not a thousands-year old lineage of sacred knowledge. Not even close. It is a mish-mash of different ideas that he packaged and sold (for lots 'o cash) to hungry Westerners. And there's the clickity-clack of those dominos...

Ok. Deep breath. This is actually a really old story, and one I have heard over and over. There seems to be no end to tales of gurus taking advantage of their followers sexually, financially and otherwise. I have witnessed a version of this first hand. And it is certainly not the first time spiritual teachers have padded their resumes to give credence to their teachings. Gurus, like Yogi Bhajan, are human. I have come to terms with this already. I did not expect the guy - or anyone else - to be a saint. I was however kind of hooked into that thousands-of-years-old lineage idea. When I would tune in with the opening mantra, which I thought was me connecting into a golden chain of yogis who had been practicing this same technology for countless generations, I thought I was tapping into my cosmic ancestors. I felt myself a part of the soul collective of beings who found their way into sacred union with God through these same postures, kriyas and mantras. I could feel them in the movements, in the sounds, in the breath. And now, well, who knows what I feel.

I realized yesterday that historically I am very black and white when it comes to belief. If you are teaching me something, I must believe it 100% or I cannot believe it at all. If every thing you are saying is not true, then none of it can be true for me. I have left many a teacher because I realized that they were not 100%. And for a moment when I finally allowed myself to accept the broader truth of Yogi Bhajan and kundalini yoga, I wanted to reject it all, to just say nope and walk away. And I couldn't. Because it works. It works. When I do those postures and kriyas and mantras and pranayama, I feel it move and open and change my body on levels I didn't even know I had. I feel myself shift and evolve and become free of habitual pathways and constrictions. When life gets rough, I feel myself having the touchstone of the breath and the abiding presence of Grace. It is concretely showing up in my life. I am literally "better". My caliber is higher. My thoughts are clearer, more balanced, calmer. So whatever Yogi Bhajan created, it's profoundly effective for me, so I will continue to do it.

Perhaps the biggest gift of this whole thing is clear sight. The past 12 months have been about me removing the blinders I have so lovingly held in place so that I could feel safe in the world. I am allowing myself to see what I see, and mostly it's not pretty. Some days it feels like me and most everyone else behaving badly. I can see patterns I and others run, I can see our individual and collective foibles and weaknesses. And seeing has allowed me to let so much of it go in my own operating system, and to love what I cannot let go. To love all that I see in others. To finally come into contact with the deepest heart of compassion - which still has MUCH to teach me.

Seeing means releasing my illusions about myself, others, the world, reality. It can be devastating and ecstatic work, sometimes in the same day. There is grief and uncertainty and ultimately there is a kind of beautiful truth - that there is nothing to rely on for truth except my own heart. I am the only touchstone for me. That's it.  

Yet More Dominos Falling Part 1

Today was a big day. By big I mean I am a different person than I was when I woke up this morning. My trajectory has shifted. I have these days, when much is revealed to me, when my world view is imperceptibly yet ineffably changed. Sometimes these days come unbidden, where I seem to fall down the rabbit hole and find that the only way out is through, and I emerge on the other side different for the adventure, like Alice. Other times my own curiosity brings the day upon me, when I have a question forming inside me for a while, then it finally makes its way into the realm of language and I ask the Universe for the answer (which is just asking the greatest part of myself) and the answer comes. Always it comes.

Since late last year I have been investigating Kundalini Yoga. My gut told me I needed to and I listened as is my practice now, listening. Kundalini has opened up tremendous spaces in me, vast and formless places where I meet a much larger version of myself. This me, the big one, is pretty terrific, able to navigate dicey situations with immense grace. She is quiet, humble and incredibly strong, in a balanced, get-shit-taken-care-of way. I like her and am finding my way into loving her. It's a pretty cool engagement, one I am happily willing to invest my precious time in. My primary teacher is Guru Jagat of Rama Institute of Applied Technology in Venice. She kicks ass, period. Her primary teacher is Yogi Bhajan, who is no longer on this earth embodied. A few weeks ago she gave a teaching about the resonance of glyph languages, like Gurmukhi (a form like Sanskrit) and ancient Egyptian. (I believe Hebrew is also resonant in its presentation.) She included in the lecture the powerful vibrational resonance of looking into your guru's eyes, in this case a photo of Yogi Bhajan that is hung prominently in her studio. For whatever reason, this stuck with me. I have heard of this before obviously; many yogi's have photos of their gurus for this same download/transmission. Gugu Jagat is definitely downloading something; it is obvious in the caliber of her teachings and what they transmit to her students, namely myself. So I've been with this idea of Yogi Bhajan's image. So I google him and read his biography - impressive stuff about how he was essentially an awakened spirit from early boyhood. I loved the idea that he had brought these secret teachings of Kundalini Yoga (at the risk of death no less!) to the west so that people like me could become part of this ancient lineage, the so-called Golden Chain of devotees who purify their bodies and auras, who chant the ancient names of God, who tune in and become their highest selves. Sign me up, I'M ALL IN...

A few weeks ago I was in Rome. I didn't even want to go to Rome; Geoffrey and I had been there 17 years ago on our way to and from Africa. I felt I had seen it and had no desire to go back and I planned it anyway so that Nikki could see it. Fast forward to when Nikki doesn't go on the trip because she wants to go to Cheer camp and I end up spending four days in Rome that ABSOLUTELY BLOW ME OPEN. I am shown a deeper layer of 'reality' and 'truth' that obliterates all that I have stood on with regards to history. I discover there is really no such thing. Reality is so unrelentingly subjective, there is no way to know what actually happened, even if there are eye-witness accounts. Which, when you're talking ancient Rome, do not exist. All that exists in most cases are what's ground into the dust beneath 'current reality'. Now that's big for my brain. Me, with my hard-won degree in Journalism, my idealistic journalist-self who was obsessed with reporting things "as they actually happened" with as much objectivity as I could muster. What a joke. Years later I revisited all those stories I wrote and discovered right there in plain sight my own viewpoint that I then proved with just the right interviews and quotes. Anything can be spun to look like whatever we want. (Reality is essentially a squirrelly mother fucker.)

So I come home from Italy with the understanding that there really is no ground to stand on, no tried and true answers. Truth cannot be found out there in the world. I must feel it from within. And I get to start fashioning a world view where I must ask myself, "Are you ok with not having the ground to stand on? In your seemingly never-ending quest to understand yourself within the context of humanity and human evolution, do you get that the library just burned to the ground? That there is no external place to go to get answers?" Ah, except that there is a place to go- my yoga mat. My practice. Therein lies many answers.

And so. Guru Jagat offers a six-month course for women called Immense Grace. Even the name fits. Except that when I left my last teacher situation, I SWORE to myself that I was taking a very long break from courses of any kind, except self-directed, which is what my kundalini involvement has been thus far. Friends exert gentle pressure for me to lift my ban and take the course. And so the question begins rolling around in my head - is this for me to take? Is it right for me? And whenever I ask the question, the answer always comes... and this time the Universe decides to open yet another black hole beneath me...

To be continued...

Summer of Love

Late Summer Greetings! You all have been fully on my mind and in my heart and I can feel so much moving within each of you – life is so very big right now isn’t it?? Thankfully, we have been aware and even anticipating these times of big change, so that we can make the most of it. The energies of this summer are huge and one of the newsletters I follow (Dr. Michael Lennox) calls this the “Summer of Love.” We are being busted open, heart-first it seems. And all of the changes give us such great opportunities to expand ourselves into a higher caliber of Love, to create a life that is more in line with our higher selves. For me, my life feels a fig that has been turned inside out. All those years (decades, lifetimes) of forming in the dark and now the time is ripe, the fig is split open and all that was in darkness is starkly right there in front of me. I can allow myself to become overwhelmed and look away, casting myself into even deeper shadow, or I can stand in the face of it and just be. I choose the latter and I am finding such a beautiful place of acceptance and stillness with it. I am seeing myself, truly, deeply, from an unfettered vantage point for perhaps the first time in this lifetime. I am also seeing myself perfectly reflected in the world around me – every face, every heart, every situation and place. It is beautifully humbling and empowering – and exceedingly simple. What a gift.

The prevailing energies I am focusing on is Venus’s movement through the skies during July, August and the beginning of September. All of Venus’s motion during these months creates a ‘perfect storm’ of movement for us, exposing new levels of personal truth, showing us ways to expand into that truth and then helping us to manifest it here in the 3D. Aside from astounding symmetries/geometries that amplify and supercharge the full and new moons during this time, Venus also entered her retrograde period – July 25th through September 6^th.  Venus in retrograde gives us a chance to turn within, to examine all the lessons on Love that have been pouring into our experience since early July and to see what we have learned. How are we interacting with Love and Abundance in our lives? Where are we in our capacity to give and receive these gifts? If we work consciously with the energies, we can expand our capacity to experience Love and to live in and from the heart. Living from the heart means being entirely present to what is without judgment or resistance.  Just being with what is as it comes, bringing our whole-hearted attention to what is right in front of us. When we judge it by labeling it, making up stories or building cases to prove our righteousness, we are experiencing life through the filter of the mind. Likewise when we resist it by pushing it away or burying it (I don’t want to experience/feel/know this). In this way we live life through the filter of what we DON’T want and are constantly draining ourselves through the energy leak of resistance.  Living from the heart is like walking with a giant YES to everything, understanding that the world we see we have solely created for our learning and highest good. EVERY SINGLE THING is our own good showing up for us, period. When we embody this knowing, we can live in absolute acceptance – and gratitude - of all experiences and feelings. When the shit hits the fan as it will, we can say, “OK. Wow. What is this for? Why is this in my movie? What am I to learn/see here?” We can be in life from an empowered place, bringing all of our wisdom, skills, talents and ATTENTION to finding solutions and avenues for our next highest expression.  

On Friday, August 14^th, we have the New Moon in Leo and this is a WILDLY powerful one! The energies are about deepening the lessons activated by Venus in early July; when we add the new moon energy into this already potent cauldron of heart-opening mojo, a great window of newness and expansion is at hand. Consider doing ceremony at the New Moon, preferably using fire (in a nod to Leo) and using this time to create/set/manifest your desires around Love and Sexuality. Also consider using creative expression as ceremony – dance, sing, paint, however your heart directs you!

A theme for reflection this month is “How Is Your Love Life?” This means Love and Relationship in all forms – to a partner, family members, friends and most importantly with your self and your life. What is Love asking of you? How is it teaching and/or stretching you? How can you say YES to Love even more? You can write about this, talk about it with your loved ones or simply let the questions be with you. Ultimately you already know the answers and the questions are an invitation from you to you, to step into a more conscious engagement with Love. Everything we are, can be and will be is already right here, encoded into the filaments of our earthly and spiritual being. Now is a good time to decide to step up into a bigger you. Let go of all the crap you do to hold yourself back from truly thriving. Say yes to yourself and the entire cosmos conspires to support you!!