Ok so Yogi Bhajan. As I am spending the day kind of on the lookout for the answer to my question (I sorta gave the Universe a deadline), a friend posts on Facebook a link from a Huffington Post Blog entitled "The Disturbing Mainstream Connections of Yogi Bhajan". Upon first seeing the image of the link, I feel very agitated, angry even. UGH! People are always trying to tear at the truth, always trying to muddy the water to create doubt in people's minds. I click on the link. And read the blog. Huh. I click through all the links, to websites where former followers are airing their grievances, to legal documents wherein Yogi Bhajan and his people are charged with some pretty serious allegations including sexual abuse and fraud. Bigger HUH. (Now my head is tilted and my eyes are squinty and I kind of have a stomach ache.) However once a journalist, always a journalist so I am not going to take the word of some disgruntled 'employees'. And anyone can accuse anyone of anything, right? Until I come upon a paper published by a PhD student at UC Santa Barbara about the 'Construction' of Yogi Bhajan's Kundalini Yoga. And it is annotated and footnoted and peer reviewed and verified. And it shows that the provenance of Kundalini Yoga as taught by Yogi Bhajan is not a thousands-year old lineage of sacred knowledge. Not even close. It is a mish-mash of different ideas that he packaged and sold (for lots 'o cash) to hungry Westerners. And there's the clickity-clack of those dominos...
Ok. Deep breath. This is actually a really old story, and one I have heard over and over. There seems to be no end to tales of gurus taking advantage of their followers sexually, financially and otherwise. I have witnessed a version of this first hand. And it is certainly not the first time spiritual teachers have padded their resumes to give credence to their teachings. Gurus, like Yogi Bhajan, are human. I have come to terms with this already. I did not expect the guy - or anyone else - to be a saint. I was however kind of hooked into that thousands-of-years-old lineage idea. When I would tune in with the opening mantra, which I thought was me connecting into a golden chain of yogis who had been practicing this same technology for countless generations, I thought I was tapping into my cosmic ancestors. I felt myself a part of the soul collective of beings who found their way into sacred union with God through these same postures, kriyas and mantras. I could feel them in the movements, in the sounds, in the breath. And now, well, who knows what I feel.
I realized yesterday that historically I am very black and white when it comes to belief. If you are teaching me something, I must believe it 100% or I cannot believe it at all. If every thing you are saying is not true, then none of it can be true for me. I have left many a teacher because I realized that they were not 100%. And for a moment when I finally allowed myself to accept the broader truth of Yogi Bhajan and kundalini yoga, I wanted to reject it all, to just say nope and walk away. And I couldn't. Because it works. It works. When I do those postures and kriyas and mantras and pranayama, I feel it move and open and change my body on levels I didn't even know I had. I feel myself shift and evolve and become free of habitual pathways and constrictions. When life gets rough, I feel myself having the touchstone of the breath and the abiding presence of Grace. It is concretely showing up in my life. I am literally "better". My caliber is higher. My thoughts are clearer, more balanced, calmer. So whatever Yogi Bhajan created, it's profoundly effective for me, so I will continue to do it.
Perhaps the biggest gift of this whole thing is clear sight. The past 12 months have been about me removing the blinders I have so lovingly held in place so that I could feel safe in the world. I am allowing myself to see what I see, and mostly it's not pretty. Some days it feels like me and most everyone else behaving badly. I can see patterns I and others run, I can see our individual and collective foibles and weaknesses. And seeing has allowed me to let so much of it go in my own operating system, and to love what I cannot let go. To love all that I see in others. To finally come into contact with the deepest heart of compassion - which still has MUCH to teach me.
Seeing means releasing my illusions about myself, others, the world, reality. It can be devastating and ecstatic work, sometimes in the same day. There is grief and uncertainty and ultimately there is a kind of beautiful truth - that there is nothing to rely on for truth except my own heart. I am the only touchstone for me. That's it.
No comments:
Post a Comment