Breaking My Silence

I haven't been writing or even talking much lately (unless you ask my 12-year-old daughter, who says I talk "non-stop").  I have been remembering to listen - to other people, even strangers, to my own words as they come out of my mouth and hit my eardrums, to my inner voice that speaks very faintly, to my ancestors, guides and angels.  And, perhaps most importantly, to the Universe.  I have always been a talker and this year it was time for me to be a listener.  I have learned A TON from listening; for instance, coffee makes the chatter-y voices in my head talk faster and louder.  Nikki has discovered Eminem and of course it's perfect because he speaks of all the angst-y, in-your-face, 'I'ma be who I'ma be' energy that she is fully inhabiting right now.  And I like Eminem, I used to listen to him, which gave me major cred when I quietly began singing along in the car.  I thought Nikki's eyes would bug out of her head.  Anyway, he's on near constant rotation in our car these days and likewise in my head.  And on coffee he really is a rap god. 

Also, I learned that about 50% of what comes out of my mouth is utter bullsh-t.  Truly just crap.  Stuff I made up and then believed, stuff that I wish were true, 'observations' that are simply rehashed and trite.  Much of it is mind-reading - where I tell people what I think they are thinking.  Oh man.  Ouch.  That's the hardest one for me to be with.  My brilliant daughter has been telling me for years that I do this.  And I would think "Oh...children...if they only knew..."

Turns out they do know.

And what they know is that grown-ups need to shut the fuck up.  We older folks have been drinking the Kool-Aid for waaaay too many years to really know what we're talking about when it comes to the younger generations.  When my daughter was born, I marveled at how perfect she was - a pristine, whole Universe in the form of a human baby.  My deepest knowing told me that she came fully equipped with all she needed, yet I still believed I had something to teach her.  I needed to inform her about the world, about how to be in it, how to navigate life and other people - how to do, well,  EVERYTHING.  She began telling me when she was about three that she really didn't need my help in this.  Not in those words exactly.  She would say "You're not being a very good mother right now" when I was trying to convince or coerce some behavior from her.  She would say "You talk too much."  She would say "I just need some silence right now to think about this."  I began telling my husband when she was about eight (in whispered tones), "I think she might be the teacher. I think maybe we should be listening to her."  And because I was battling the fear that I knew NOTHING about children based on my own childhood, I ping-ponged back and forth between my own knowing to let her be and what the 37 parenting books on my shelf said about consequences and building respect and showing who's boss. She never responded to discipline or consequences or any show of 'power' over her. She has always known of her own power.  Any attempt on my part to tell her she wasn't powerful fell on deaf ears, because she knew it wasn't true.

How did I try to tell her she wasn't powerful?  By trying to coerce her to be a good girl, to play along, to do what I said, to follow the rules.  She wasn't having any rules.  She navigates the world moment by moment, according to what's true for her.  She's not much concerned about what's true for anyone else.  And you know what?  She's right on for her age.  On many levels, children don't truly learn about 'other' until after the age of 14.  Until then, it's all about them.  And why not?  Why not let her childhood be about discovery - self-directed discovery, so that she can lead her own self into unchartered territory.  Isn't that why she came?  To reveal something new, something never seen before?   To be the one and only divine emanation moving through the unique collection of DNA called Nikki Gelb in this lifetime?  Why try to make her like everyone else?  Why try to get her to follow society's rules?  Who made up these rules?  So much of what society believes and teaches is total crap to me.  Just look at television.  And I'm supposed to teach my girl to follow some code of conduct or rule of ethics because...?  Because it makes folks comfortable when everyone conforms.  It makes us feel safe and secure when we all agree to buy each other's bullsh-t.  Well, I'm not buying it anymore, not even from myself.

Our educational system in this country is set up to make good employees.  It is set up to create a society that is good at responding to 'authority' and following rules.  What is 'Authority'?  According to Webster's Dictionary it is:

1) "The power to give orders or make decisions: the power or right to direct or control someone or something."  Ok, what gives someone the power to direct or control someone?  Do I have the power to direct or control my daughter because I am bigger, stronger, older and wiser than her?  What if I'm not wiser?  She has proven to me countless times that I am not wiser.  She came into this life much more awake than I did.  I have been fighting through years of illusion and misinformation to get clarity on what is true for me.  My parents REALLY believed in the whole authority thing so my voice was squashed - mightily - from very early on.  And with my voice, so were my own feelings and knowing of myself.  She refuses to be squashed.  She knows her own voice.  I'm cool with that.

2) "The confident quality of someone who knows a lot about something or who is respected or obeyed by other people."  Someone who knows a lot about something - ok, I get that, albeit with knowing that any time a human takes in information, it is washed through their extensive filtering system so ultimately can only be 'truth' for them.  I may look to you to be an expert because you have spent time investigating something I have not looked into, however if I were to spend as much time looking at it as you did, I may reach an entirely different conclusion than your 'expert' opinion.  I may not know more about my girl and what's best for her than she does.  She is likely a better expert on herself.  And one who is OBEYED by other people?  Yuk.  I can only obey those whose leadership I resonate with.  I trust myself first and foremost.  Should I ask something different of my daughter?   Should I 'teach' her to obey because it makes others uncomfortable when she doesn't?  I'm not talking about criminal behavior here.  I'm not talking about anarchy.  Obviously there are 'rules' we all follow so that the world doesn't fall apart.  I'm talking about others telling her how to act, how to be, how to think.  How to control herself so that she speaks in a way that doesn't offend.  You know what?  Her power doesn't offend me.  She fully stands in her power and as a youngster, she's still figuring it out.  She's still in the laboratory of childhood, testing out where the line of 'too far' is so that she can find out how far she can go.  She mostly does this with me and her dad now.  Out in the world she's apparently fabulous - all I ever get from other adults who spend time with her is how wonderful she is.  A friend who's home she recently slept at texted the next day "Your daughter is delightful!"  Her teachers adore her, report cards rave about her.  So with me she is contrary, rude even, constantly pushing back.  Good.  With me she gets to explore her own power in a safe way.  I can take it, even though sometimes I suffer for it.  Sometimes it hurts my heart.  Good thing I have a strong heart and the clarity to remember the truth of her - and myself.

3) "A quality that makes something seem true or real."  Seem true or real?!  I'm not even going to touch this, except to say that for me, this fairly well sums up most mainstream 'authority' in the western world...

4) "Persons in command or a convincing force."  Under this definition, my daughter is the authority.

So here we are in this world of parenting where most people seem to follow the age-old model that looks something like this: begin with problem solving, move into explanation or advice, then onto rewards, deals or punishments, throw in some rules, responsibilities, expectations, duties and obligations. When these don't produce the desired result, move to labels and diagnosis's, criticism, contempt and/or withdrawal and finally into the inevitable blaming and/or shaming.  I tried every single one of these throughout the years.  Every one.  And all it got me was nothing.  Perhaps some temporary behavioral change that was short-lived and inauthentic.  The truth is Nikki is a very smart, very present being who has been keenly observing the world since she got here.  She knows what society expects of her.  She knows that eventually she will need to take responsibility for herself so that she can navigate her world as a healthy adult.  She knows the right thing to do - and this knowing is real and true because it comes from inside of her.  I didn't plant it in her based on what I know.  My job as a parent isn't to create a mini me or even to create a child I 'approve' of.  My job as a parent is to create a safe space for her to grow, to provide many myriad experiences for her to challenge herself, bump into herself, recognize herself, love and accept herself.  BE HERSELF.  Her own innate wisdom will take care of everything else.  The old patriarchal paradigm world will do its best to convince her that she is not wise unless she believes and behaves like everyone else.  I will continue to do my best to help her remember what she came with and who she is, beyond anyone's definition save her own.  Any 'good' behavior she may pick up at home can come only through my modeling of it.  Not telling her about it.  Not demanding it of her.  By being it, so that she may know it AS me.

If you see my child yelling at me in public or being rude or bossy or all of the above, try not to let it bug you.  Maybe if your child witnesses it, you can use it to discuss what doesn't work for you.  Know that it's ultimately ok with me, even if I may have a pained look on my face.  With every unkind word or tone, my daughter gets to know herself better.  She gets to experience who she chooses to be in any given moment.  Right now, quite often, she is a hormonal, moody, yelling to be heard girl.  That's cool.  Tomorrow she will have moved on to another layer of herself.  I'm down with all of it.  I trust her.

Ultimately, do I wish my daughter treated me with respect?  Of course I do - that sounds lovely.  And slightly preposterous at this age.  She isn't capable of even understanding what respect is for several more years.  Any show of 'respectful' behavior from my wild-spirited child would simply mean that I have successfully punched her into some mold of my choosing.  I would take 'consideration' at this point - we're working on that.  We're working on helping her to identify her feelings and needs and how to get them met so that everyone wins.  We're working on showing her that we have feelings and needs that also must be addressed.  We're working on being ourselves, authentic, unapologetic, free.  It feels good, it feels right, it feels like the truth.

Every child is different and needs diverse things from their parents.  Every family dynamic is unique unto itself.  I honor your truth, your knowing and how you are raising your children.  I am grateful when you honor mine.

Happy Hour

  A few months ago I made myself a perfect martini on a Tuesday night and posted a photo of it on Facebook.  It flew mostly under the radar except for my drinky friend Colleen who lives in Seattle, who commented she was relieved that my priestess thing did not exclude Happy Hour.  I replied that priestesses like to be happy.  This small exchange has been rolling around in my brain ever since, mainly because it was kind of shocking to me to think that friends might surmise that a spiritual path was not compatible with an occasional martini.  Those who know me well know that me and martinis go way back and red wine is my friend for life, as in til death do us part.  I simply can't imagine denying myself the pleasure of sharing a really killer bottle of red with great friends and great food.  So I've been sitting with this idea of how friends and acquaintances may be perceiving my 'priestess' path.  I know that word is charged, although just how charged is only now beginning to take a discernible form.

One weekend in Montecito, where the Modern Day Priestess trainings are held, we were sharing the beautiful grounds of Casa De Maria with a Catholic church group from Southern California.  There were many priests and nuns accompanied by a small group of fairly buttoned up lay women.  This group was clearly uncomfortable with us - we, as priestesses in training, in yoga clothes and groovy shoes, flowy scarves and stone necklaces, medicine pouches and feathers.  And love - a ton of it, worn whole-heartedly on our sleeves.  One day at lunch as my friend Aliyah and I were busing our dishes, a woman from the group engaged her in conversation while I chatted with the cutie-pie who was taking my dishes through the kitchen window.  Aliyah shared with me when we left that the woman had asked her "So what do Modern Day Priestesses do, sacrifice cats?"  Hahaha and she wasn't kidding.  In that moment, I was intensely mad and then intensely glad that I did not hear her question.  Aliyah had the grace to navigate that moment with calm assurance.  My response would likely have been much more charged, with an invitation for this woman to shut it  gather information and perhaps even think before speaking.  And then I would have reminded her of her responsibility as a "religious" person to seek and spread the truth rather than propagate preposterous, fear-based fantasies.

After this encounter, it became very obvious how uncomfortable we made this group and I must admit the smaller part of me took every opportunity to be as close to them as possible, to catch their eyes and flash them giant smiles, to really press their buttons  give them numerous opportunities to see the error of their first impressions.  One night as we moved through the dinner line, one poor priest  marooned himself between me and another priestess as we moved through the line filling our plates.  His discomfort was palpable and of course I wanted to help him grow so I kept leaning around him to speak to the priestess on the other side.  After a few moments, he became so uncomfortable he began singing hymns.  In the dinner line.  Seriously.

What really bummed me out about that weekend was that here was a religious group that came up against something really uncomfortable for them and rather than approaching us in an effort to speak to the chasm between us, they widened it.  We priestesses are incredibly approachable individually and collectively; how beautiful it would have been to have found each other in our common ground, in our shared love of the sacred.  We could have spoken to the truth that despite outward appearance and affectation, we are all the same, with the same hearts, the same needs.  We are simply taking different paths to the same place.  Instead of feeling the love that we are, they felt fear.  It makes me sad that these "people of God' are so cut off from their own hearts that they don't recognize love when they see it.

What I took away from that weekend was that my path is to be authentic, no matter what.  Even if it makes others uncomfortable.  My authenticity is in service to them even more so in those moments of discomfort, when they get to bump up against their own selves and maybe even examine what's eliciting their response.  And if they recoil (or attack) in fear, with no self-examination whatsoever, that's their business, not mine.  I get to keep being authentic.  And the good news is, authentic to me means living fully in my human experience.  Drinking, cursing, even making bad choices sometimes.  Sometimes being a less-than-stellar mother and telling my almost teen-aged daughter to shut it  keep her opinions to herself and maybe even go to bed.  Right now.

This notion of living a monastic life in service to the divine has never sat right with me.  Growing up Catholic, I could always feel the underlying anger of the priests and nuns and did not understand it until I was older and realized the implications of taking a vow of celibacy.  For all but a very small percentage of humans, celibacy is against our biological and innate nature; this is clearly being played out in the horrifying drama of abuse amongst Catholic priests.  In Judaism, no such vow is required.  In fact, Rabbi's are encouraged to be married so that they can better attend to the lives and needs of their married congregants.  Rabbis are also - along with all adult Jews - essentially required to drink wine on Friday night to usher in Shabbat. Drinking wine is a mitzvah (good deed) in Judaism.  Wine is considered holy in Jewish tradition and is used to sanctify most special moments and celebrations.  At the Purim holiday, which just passed, we are encouraged to drink so much wine that we can no longer distinguish the good guys from the bad guys.  What a beautiful teaching - to acknowledge that through the course of a lifetime, we will all inhabit both sides of that equation.  And once a year, with the help of the sacred fruit of the vine, we get to actually see that.  The Purim story is rife with references to excessive drinking and throughout the Torah we are instructed to "drink and celebrate".  This is one of the many reasons Judaism works for me - it acknowledges again and again that life is rich and full and fantastic and awful - and ultimately, unspeakably beautiful.  This is how I want to live - embracing the whole bloody, beautiful mess.

So what does being a Priestess really mean?  It means that I am more myself, martinis and flaws and all.  I acknowledge and honor the energies of the planets and the totality of their influence.  I honor the energies of the Earth and all that encompasses.  I actively engage with many realms and dimensions and integrate them here in the 3D.  If you take a walk with me, I might climb up on a big rock so I can lean against the stone and feel it.  So I can give it permission to teach me what it knows.  I listen to the wind and the trees and the birds and even the sound of cars.  There is wisdom in all of it. I watch the stars and the moon and live according to earth's rhythms.  I pay attention.  I watch and I listen.  And I love.  Every single particle of it, every human, all life, I love. (This includes martinis).

Unicorn

This Halloween my daughter Nikki was a unicorn.  Not a 'rainbow unicorn' because duh, all unicorns are rainbow.  This is the third year she has taken charge of her costume, deciding on her own what to be and somehow gathering all that she needs to make it happen.  So I am used to not being a part of that process except for giving her rides to the craft store and the like for supplies.  This is the first year she dressed herself entirely, even doing her own hair and makeup without asking for any assistance from me.  In fact she insisted on no help at all, sequestering herself in her bathroom and asking to be left alone.  I must admit I was a bit bummed although I did not let her know that.  My difficulty in letting her go is not her business nor should it be her concern.

She also did not want me to be with her trick-or-treating.  Well, she wanted me there, just not by her.  And I can feel this may be my last year to even be there.  Next year she may just want to be dropped off and picked up.  I am sad for this ending, glad I have been present through all the trick-or-treating, and excited to see what this may open up for me as far as my time and freedom.

She is in the 6th grade this year, in a new school that encourages her to find her own voice, her own inner vision and make conscious choices.  This is a kid who has been sure of herself since forever, sometimes to a fault.  She trusts herself more than anyone else - this took some getting used to when she was little.  My personality wanted her to trust me the most.  Now she is learning to take other people into account when making choices so it's a whole new game.  And it feels wonderful to me, because she is actually, for the first time, aware of my needs...sometimes anyway.  So as she grows into herself and pulls away from me and her dad, I constantly remind myself that this is good, this is what she is supposed to do - it's evidence we're doing a good job.

Also it feels like crap.

I of course love to be needed in the intense way children need and this has been my experience of it for the past 11 years.  She and I are deeply connected; I have been her playmate, her sibling, her pet, her confidente, her defender, her hero.  I have relished her unconditional love and attention, loved being her true north.  And now I am just mom, and she would really rather I keep my distance in public.  She confides in her friends now, telling them the secrets she used to tell me.  I knew she liked a boy at her dance class and asked her several times and she always replied no, she didn't like him.  Then recently I read a text stream between her and a friend and he was mentioned several times as her crush.  At first I was crushed until I remembered, oh right, this is how this is supposed to happen.  This is her stepping into a new version of herself and this is what it looks like right now.

That said, it still doesn't feel good - I feel like she is becoming a whole new person without involving me.  And the only access I have to hidden parts of her is to dig deeper, to read her text streams, to overhear her phone conversations - which she knows I do and will continue to do.  Part of our agreement for her to get a phone at such a young age was that her dad and I are to have full access to it at any time, for her protection.  We are in uncharted territory here with these kids and their electronic devices and I do not intend to look away.

So, when I let her know I had read some texts, I did not mention anything about her crush.  I suppose her not telling me meant she did not want it to be my business.  Fair enough, that's her prerogative.  And I will not take it personally.

 As she changes and grows and tries on new parts of herself, I get to simply notice, hold space for absolutely all of it, and not make any of it about me.  I want to be the ground she walks on, stable, dependable, rooted - so that when the world gets too crazy for her, she will know where to run to.  I will be her safe place to come home to, a container for her secrets, her worries, her fears.  And her joys.  I will be the one who doesn't judge, never betrays, who always holds her tenderly in unconditional love.

So for now, I will quietly watch her venture out into new territory.  I will walk behind her while she trick-or-treats because that's where she wants me.  Someday she will realize I have always been - and forever will be - behind her, arms out, ready to catch her when she falls.

Initiate.

At the end of August I completed my year-long 'Modern Day Priestess' training and became an Initiated Priestess.  I am going to continue with the program as a teacher-trainer when the new training launches this month.  If I weren't continuing on this particular path, I suspect I would have felt a deep sense of loss as the training ended.  I have grown extremely fond of being in the high vibrational space held by the facilitator Kate Rodger, of sitting in circle with sisters, of remembering the ancient ways together, of processing and clearing while being deeply held by those who understand my heart as well as I do.  Of course we are all connected in unbreakable ways and will forever be there for one another - it's just that initial blush, the first coming together of a sacred soul group that is unspeakably sweet and makes me want to grab onto it with both hands and never let go.  And of course I eventually must and will.  For now I am thrilled that I get to return to the warm embrace of the Casa de Maria, to witness a new soul group coalesce into brightness, to continue my own path of remembering how to hold space for another's brilliance to emerge.

So I have been spending time with this concept of 'Initiated'.

Dion Fortune writes that the Initiate is one “...whom the Higher Self, the Individuality, has merged with the personality and actually entered into incarnation in the physical body."   In other words, one's Higher Self has now entered the third dimensional purview of the Initiate.  One has touched upon the fullness of oneself, and made contact with the higher realms of one's particular beingness.  This feels true to me.  Since Initiation, I feel a whole other level of connectedness with all that is,  and my inner guidance is much more palpable.  My still small voice within is ever so much louder.

Just prior to my Initiation, I was told that I was 'leaving behind my secular life' and was becoming something entirely new.  These words really struck me, particularly 'secular'.  Webster defines secular as "pertaining to worldly things or to things that are not regarded as religious, spiritual, or sacred; temporal."  For all the years I have been on a spiritual path, it has mostly been a segregated one; my life was largely secular with a bit of spirituality thrown in.  Over the course of the past few years, my focus has become largely spiritual with some secular thrown in.  And now I have committed to a wholly spiritual life.

This is what my Initiation means to me - I have committed to live the truth as I know it, which means living this truth in every moment of every day.  This truth is based on Oneness - that we are all One, a single Beingness that essentially copied Itself ad infinitum to experience Itself on a whole new level.  To bring about something that had never been before.  And the creative urge behind it all is simply Love.  And so I am committed to holding the purest vibration I can - to allowing the All to reveal Love through me, as me - thus living my life to it's highest potential.  Why?  Because I see so much separation in the world - so many souls forgetting they are One with all others.

We have lived in the illusion of separation for many thousands of years, and it wasn't always this way.  Our distant ancestors knew about Oneness, they lived it.  And some indigenous peoples on the planet still live it today, although they are marginalized as primitive and immaterial.  Due to many factors too vast to explore here, the collective consciousness moved away from the truth and reached a tipping point toward separation - and we literally fell from the garden that was Oneness, that was Love.  We fell from a place of knowing that when one wins, we all win.  And we all lose together too.  We fell from sharing our food and resources, from making sure everyone's needs were met, from living in purposeful communities where all members were important and valuable.  We fell from a place of understanding that the Earth is us - when we act with disregard toward the planet, we destroy our very own selves.

So, we fell into the illusion that we are all separate from one another and from the Earth and everything in it.  We have been wandering in the wilderness ever since...and I choose not to wander any more.  I choose to inhabit that part of the collective consciousness where Love resides.  And it does not mean ignoring anger or avarice; I simply create a different reality for myself.  In truth we each create our own unique world based on our deepest beliefs and truths.  It also doesn't mean trying to be perfect, for part of the human experience is the freedom to explore the beautiful contrast of the multitudinous ways of being.  The difference is that now when I 'check out', I do so by choice.  I consciously go unconscious.  And I find I am losing my affinity for unconsciousness. 

 Now, instead of reacting with anger to the guy who sped up on the freeway rather than letting me in, I remember he is me.  I have done this very same thing unconsciously.  Even if I haven't, I am certainly capable of an unkind act - we all are, it's our birthright, inherent in free will.  And that poor guy hasn't yet remembered that I am him; if he slowed and let me in, his heart would be much better for it.  The world would have become incrementally kinder in that moment.  So, as an initiated priestess, I will remember for both of us.  I will hold him in compassion rather than anger.  I will bless him on his way and say a silent prayer that he hears his heart whispering the right thing  to do next time.  I will hold a space for his remembering that every action, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential, is vastly important not only for our own lives but for the collective as well, for we are One.  I am choosing to hold the high watch, to take the high road, to stand for Love - for all.

To initiate.  To begin.  If the prophecies of generations of indigenous elders like the Maya are correct, this year marks the time when we are all initiating a path of return - to wholeness, to Oneness, to remembering.  To Love.

I believe ~  and I'll see you there ♥

Blown

 I have been a student for as long as I can remember. After graduating college, I continued to take classes at local community schools - I have studied such an eclectic array of topics I can barely recall them all. Since the early 90's, they have  been largely spiritual in nature. I listen and learn and study and seek, search for the next teacher and read the books over and over. And over again. When I became a mom, I had a whole new area of study. And good lord, I went for it. I took classes, seminars, webinars, had private counciling sessions - you name it, I did it. I count 37 parenting books on my shelf. I remember the day when I was preparing to take yet another parenting seminar and a friend remarked "Really? Can't you teach those classes by now?!" And of course she was right. I went to that seminar and realized I could indeed lead that class. I had finally reached a point where there was nothing more I could learn from someone else about parenting my child. I had to admit that I was actually being a good parent. Why did it take me so long to get that and why did it take a friend to point that out to me? (Thank you Sharyn ♥)

Last year when I was in Sedona, I went to see a healer aptly named Angel. The first thing she said to me was that I have spent many lifetimes at the feet of Masters, learning. That certainly resonated, given my track record in this lifetime. I find a teacher/guru and immerse myself in their classes, their books, indeed their every word and very Beingness. I inhale them and hold my breath. I change my life at their directive - I find new practices, language, even food. And so much of what I learn and take on is good - sign posts, arrows, leading me in the direction of my own heart. And so much of it is clutter, fodder for my mind to spin and spin. And I haven't known how to stop searching and looking for the next thing. Until now. I am beginning to remember that I already am what it is I am seeking.

I spoke briefly in my last post about Spiritual Materialism; my understanding of this concept is based on the teachings of a man who is largely responsible for bringing Buddhism to the west named Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Of course I have studied Buddhism along the way (as well as Catholicism, Christianity, Sufism, Taoism, Judiaism and probably a few others I no longer recall) and had taken what I liked of it and moved along. I could not get past the Buddhist notion that we used to talk to trees. Ironic, isn't it? Today I spend an inordinate amount of time talking to trees...and so I am circling back to the teachings of  Gautama Buddha. For years I thought he sat under that Bodhi tree in order to attain enlightenment, and so I ran right out and began attaining. I didn't have time to sit under a tree for days so my enlightenment was going to have to happen on the fly, while I was busy living my life. So I sucked in wisdom in every spare moment, from every corner - had to pack it in while I had the time. And only now, years later, do I realize that all that does is make my mind spin. It's made me a great conversationalist (so I've been told) however I am out for much more than conversation. And the constant input has muddied my own deep knowing.

This fervent urge toward taking the next class or reading yet another book is simply me looking for answers outside myself. And when I run across contradictory teachings, as I recently did, big-time, it rocked me to my core. After I managed to pick myself up off the ground (yet again), I stopped spinning. I simply stopped. And I remained still for a period of days, not allowing my mind to engage with questioning or confusion at all. I simply sat in the present moment waiting for my own inherent wisdom to arise. And of course it came, beyond measure it came. And from this place of clarity, I can finally see that attaining is really just putting lots of other people's truths into my mind and heart and trying to see if it fits. And of course it can't fit because it isn't mine. Parts of it can resonate and ultimately point me toward my own truth, which really is the bottom line - my truth exists solely within me. I am a singular and  particualar emination of it. Other people can light the path and remind me of Universal Truths, however the only way I can truly know what is mine to know is to go within. This is what Rinpoche was speaking of, that this 'attaining' is Spititual Materialsim. It is an egoic pursuit, to seek out and learn more so I can feel like I am getting somewhere and becoming someone. It is spiritual wisdom as a commodity. And of course all wisdom and knowing exists right now, fully, inside me, in a unique form that is soley mine. I came with it into this body - it is inherent in the Spirit that animates every human being. And so the true spiritual path is to simply remember this. To give up all I have attained to simply Be what I am. To embody what I am. Wholeness. Purity. Wisdom. Joy. Truth.

So I am officially declaring that I know. I am no longer in pursuit of anything. Will I still take classes? Of course - I like engaging my mind in that way. However, I will take only those that help facilitate my own knowing, by reminding me how to access it. That said, the class I am currently taking (What? Of course there's a class) is led by my mentor Rev. Kate Rodger, who deeply understands this concept. She gently and lovingly leads me to my own knowing; all questions are directed within. She reminds me who and what I am. And so I find myself finally free - from the 'need' to keep searching, from confusion, from being overwhelmed by all I wish to know. Now it's time to sit in stillness and breathe. A lot. And all will come in perfect timing, perfectly formed, purposefully, for me, from me.

Priestess

I am three-quarters of the way through a year-long training called Modern Day Priestess. The training is being facilitated by my mentor Rev. Kate Rodger, who is the most pristinely awake human I know. I spent five days last week in Montecito, Ca on the incredibly beautiful grounds of Casa de Maria, a retreat center set among old growth live oaks with San Ysidro Creek running through it. There is a labyrinth, a meditation chapel, orchards and many quiet, peaceful places tucked away where one can lose oneself in Stillness. Most importantly, there are 15 extraordinary women taking this journey with me - a journey to one's own heart, to the truth that lies at the center of each of us, a truth that is boundless and eternal. Doing this work with like-minded sisters underlines it, makes it more vibrant and clear, as each of us brings different life experiences and approaches it from a unique angle. The Whole is exposed through the various planes and angles cut into the prism that is Life.The unity of the Divine Feminine, the Sisterhood, is familiar to me and feels as old as Time itself.

 As I move more deeply into this work, I am shedding the layers I have allowed life to lay upon me, the persona's, the 'ways of dealing', the habitual patterns and default settings that have literally become 'Me'. For years I used my spirituality as just another layer, practicing what Chogyam Rinpoche calls 'Spiritual Materialism', which he described as "the desire for a spiritual path that led you to become something, to attain a state you could be proud of, instead of a path that unmasked your self-deception." While my soul was always called to something much deeper, my personality thought the spiritual stuff was cool and edgy and set me apart. And I'm thankful for that because it kept me on the path. I remember the exact moment five years ago when I realized I was on the path for the 'wrong' reason - when I instantly understood that there was nothing to get, nowhere to arrive at. That the path itself was the destination, that to reach for awakening was to be in service to all Life, which was the entire point. In a moment, I knew that striving to be something kept me from being what I already was. In a moment, I let go of needing to be cool. What freedom! And so began the real work, of letting go of everything I wasn't - the manufactured belief systems, the thoughts that arose that I thought were me, and others' opinion and experience of me. The Modern Day Priestess work takes this even deeper - down into the energetic experiences that birth patterned response and behavior. I can actually go back into an experience and transform the energetic reality of it, which then spirals up into my current experience of it. I find this absolutely amazing work. I leave each time hardly recognizing myself on a surface level and at the same time, feeling myself melt into the deeper truth that always underlies who I am. I feel the truth of my own subtle energy body and the energies that completely surround us - from other beings, from plants, animals, planets and even rocks. We exchange with these energies whether we are aware of it or not. And moving into a place of conscious exchange feels like lifting up the covers of the world and finally seeing what I have always known - there is SO much more than meets the eye.

I have many friends and family members who have absolutely no interest in lifting the covers - this life is enough for them to be with already. And they find it peculiar that I am so eager to run around in the woods talking to plants. I get it, it sounds peculiar to me as well. And I have always been called to investigate and understand the Mystery, to know what's behind the curtain, to explain what my body was always feeling as truth.  So for me, it is a life-time of prayers answered - to have the ability to interpret the Reality on a deeper, more integrated level, to leave the world of the mind with all its shifting loyalties, and live from my heart, the true Wisdom seat of my being. To see all beings for what they truly are, beyond appearance and action - to see them as Oneness, expressing Itself as Love. To see the entire Reality as One, as Love Loving Itself. Wow. Deep, deep breath. That feels amazing and exactly like the truth.

My personality struggles a bit with this deeper knowing. As I shed my crusty layers and feel the subtle energies, I get blown out a bit by people around me. I find I am quite sensitive now, perhaps because for the first time, I am actually hearing what people are saying. I can feel their energy and the energetic charge of their words. And people are intense, which is probably why we build up crusty layers in the first place. My personality wants me to layer back up, to protect myself from the blast - and I refuse. I have traveled very far and studied very intently - over multiple lifetimes - to be exactly here. Open, exposed, girding my courage to stand face to face with myself, with others and with how things really are. This both enthralls and boggles my entire being and that's okay, I came for it all - to be boggled and enlightened and boggled again. It is a process, a first-class e-ticket ride home, to Oneness, to Love. And I am entirely, completely and utterly all in.

Clean

Sometimes I catch myself saying something in a moment when I have just enough perspective to hear it as though it was coming out of someone else's mouth. Oftentimes I am impressed and think "Wow, that woman is smart and well-spoken." And other times, like this most recent, I think "Oh God, that woman is completely nuts, as in, like, get a net." The viral videos with titles like 'Shit Yogis Say' and 'Shit Angelinos Say' really bring home how wildly stupid I must sound much of the time. There was one where I had uttered some form of every single thing they were parodying. And of course taken out of context, it sounds so much worse. But still.


Recently I have been saying things like "Chia seeds are SO amazing!" and "This protein shake is super yum!" or best yet "I can't wait to make kale juice for dinner." I'm changing right before my very eyes and some part of my mind/personality hasn't caught up yet and is actually mocking me as I progress. To explain, I am on Day 24 of a 21-day cleanse. I am doing it with a group of about 25 people, led by my husband. The group started the cleanse on March 8th and my husband being my husband, we had to start on the 5th, because, well, just because. The cleanse is based on Alejandro Junger's book 'Clean' and is a 21-day cleanse comprised of a shake for breakfast, clean protein like organic chicken or fish for lunch and a shake or juice for dinner, with plenty of healthy snacks in between. I have only done one cleanse prior to this - a seven day juice fast that was kind of excruciating after which I felt the best I ever have in my life. This cleanse is different in that there is actual food involved and in the beginning I had doubts that it would be as effective as a juice fast. However, I am starting to understand that eating for 24 days completely consciously from a list of purely whole foods is changing absolutely everything about my interaction with food. I am finally being forced to investigate things I have always known about yet hid from - like fermentation and sprouting seeds. And making my own nut milks. Now I am happily integrating foods I have been trying to ignore for years - like chia seeds, goji berries, hemp seeds, raw cacao, bee pollen, Brewers Yeast and the like. I have seen these things in the aisles of Whole Foods Market for years and occasionally picked them up to read the packaging. There are never any instructions, like what it's for or how to use it so I left them for the super healthy eaters, the vegans and the self-sprouters. Sometimes I would get inspired and buy one, vowing to investigate and integrate it into my diet. It would invariably wind up  in the very back of the pantry shelf, mocking me each time I happened upon it and finally I would throw it away to put myself out of misery. Now, faced with a fairly sparse list of foods I can eat, I am taking the time to figure this out. And truth be told - these foods are actually really, really awesome.

My morning shake is absolutely brilliant because it is fast and portable - and I can load that thing with an unbelievable amount of nutrition. Along with raw protein powder, I add bee pollen, which energizes me while calming my nervous system and promotes cell regeneration, as well as aloe juice for alkalizing the body. And healthy fats like walnut oil which help to balance out hormones and reduce symptoms of peri-menopause. As for chia seeds and goji berries - there isn't enough time in the day to list all their benefits. Same goes for garlic. As a snack in the evening, I put super thinly sliced garlic between two apple slices. Yum! (Not really, however the benefits of garlic could fill a small volume and then some.) Another major change I am integrating is cooking for myself at lunch. I am a grab-what-you-can type of lunch eater, and quite often I would forget all about lunch until running out the door to get my daughter at school. And my lunch became whatever was left in her lunch box. Yum! (Not really.) Now I am actually planning ahead and cooking my lunch - and sitting down to enjoy it all by myself, without reading a book or cruising the Internet while eating. Just me and myself, lunching, with gratitude. Eating like this feels like self-love and is really satisfying.

Why are you doing a cleanse, you ask? It's true - I have been on the healthy-eater end of the spectrum since college. I took a nutrition class in college - one class - and it woke me up to the fact that oh, we eat because our bodies need specific nutrients in order to operate. Up until then, I had no connection to this fact. I ate because I was hungry. I ate whatever was available that tasted good. I never really thought about what I ate. Since college, I grab an apple for a snack, do my best to eat vegetables whenever possible and eat protein at least once a day. This sustained me with a fairly high level of health for many years. When the whole Organic thing hit, I bought organic fruits and vegetables here and there although not always because the prices took my breath away. When my daughter was born, my focus turned to her and I realized that if she had eaten well during the day, I felt great, regardless of how I had eaten. And more and more I was eating on the go, giving my attention to her needs over my own as was necessary. As a result I developed a habit of living off her leftovers for breakfast, like the crusts from her toast and lunch sandwiches. Lunch as I said meant her left-overs and the rare occasions when she actually ate her lunch meant I skipped altogether. (And of course those days only happened when I was really, really hungry.) In between, I would supplement with various bars and juices.


And then in my 40's it began to catch up with me. I had no energy, my hormones started swinging, I developed polyps on my thyroid and the good health I had taken for granted started slipping away. I began working with a homeopath and I remember day-dreaming on my way to my first testing session with her - how she would say things like "Wow, you are in really great shape for your age! Just a tweak here and there and you are good to go!" And "We actually need to study you because you are essentially defying all laws of aging!" After all, I was one of the healthiest people I knew - ate well, exercised regularly, got 8 hours of sleep and only moderately indulged my vices. And of course, Anna the homeopath said the exact opposite. My adrenals and gallbladder were shot, my kidneys and immune system were struggling, I was seriously deficient in almost all vitamins, most notably D's and B's. She prescribed about 15 different tinctures and supplements to take every day, sometimes twice per day. I was shocked. It was a serious wake-up call. Since last September when I started this new regimen, I have felt better and better. I sleep more deeply than I ever have. I wake up rested, clear, energetic. I remember things. My skin looks bright. My hair shines. The polyps are shrinking. When next I visit my endocrinologist, she will say "My gosh! We really need to study you - you are defying all laws of...."


And then the Cleanse, which has kicked me up into the next level of awareness around food. I have a friend whose entire family is raw vegan and grow the bulk of their own food. I leave her house exhausted from just watching all the work she does to eat. That isn't me - I don't have the time or inclination to invest most of my day into what my family eats. I do however get to give up a lot of the convenience of 'healthy' packaged foods and quick fixes like warming things up in the microwave. I have been sticking my head in the sand around microwaves for ten-plus years. I did not want to know that the microwave radiation actually kills the nutrition in the food. NOOOOO!!! It's soooo conveeeenient.....Recently I had dinner with my husbands family at my sister-in-law's house and when I protested that I didn't want my daughter's healthy take-out food warmed in the microwave, they actually got angry with me. I get it - they don't want to know either. Knowing means changing. And change can be a bitch.


So, I'm changing. I can no longer look at a piece of cheese without knowing that it will cause inflammation and mucus in my body. Non-organic fruits and vegetables are absolutely loaded with so many tiny, invisible toxins that I'm better off not eating them at all. And wheat. Beloved Wheat. Not my friend. And so, in one scenario, I become that a-hole in the restaurant who can't really eat anything from the menu and winds up with a plate of lettuce and an avocado, who carries her own food around, who makes her family and friends angry with her lifestyle choices. Or I get really, really creative and figure out how to be in the world, how to eat at friends' homes and in restaurants in a way that works. I haven't figured that part out yet - when I do, I'll let you know...