I Have A Dream

 

      The world is spinning faster now, can you feel it?  The energy is ramping up, day by day, minute by minute even.  I don't know about you - sometimes I feel like I've cycled through three different iterations of myself before lunch.  The amount of energy and information both seen and unseen that is available to us right now is unheard of; the level and speed of change is breath-taking.  The human 'experiment' is in a critical phase.  What we do now means more than it possibly ever has.  Those who have placed their attention solely on the phenomenal aspects of this world may not weather the changes as well as those who have peeked behind the curtain.  Those who use their attention to know and navigate multiple-level reality will likely have more tools to align their bodies and fields to the constantly quickening resonance that's happening now.  Those who aren't aware of the deeper truth of themselves may lose their center more easily.  Headlines show this is already happening, particularly among young people.

     What to do?  Real and true self-inquiry is always a great place to start.  Meditation too, and yoga, particularly Kundalini Yoga as it literally is the technology of opening and moving energy and preparing the body to hold more and more resonance.  And, more immediately, we can begin to find our way into our essential nature of Joy.  Can you imagine the world if we all insisted on being in Joy all the time?  Can you conjure how we would navigate conflict resolution - if both sides steadfastly INSISTED on being in Joy?  Win/win solutions, compromise, team work, clear priorities - these would be just the start.  Imagine if you, in your Abundance, came across someone who did not have enough food, shelter, safety, love, etc.  If you, insisting on living from Joy, would happily share from your overflow?  Imagine how society would be transformed!  In Joy we are all teammates, with a common goal of always feeling good - deeply good, not the fleeting good-like buzz we get from escapism.  I'm talking about true, sustainable good, based on something real, like Communion, Friendship, Right Relationship, Love, Compassion, Stewardship, Responsibility.  This kind of good is real and sustainable because it is the essential nature of the Universe and therefore of you for you are a tiny microcosm of the entirety of the Universe/God. 

     How do we find Joy?  In every moment, with every choice, pick the thing that resonates Joy.  Pick the thing that benefits the whole world, because believe it or not, your every thought affects the entire cosmos.  Ask yourself constantly, What brings me Joy?  What makes me happy?  Allow the answer to come from your soul knowing, not from the ego.  The ego will give you the easy, fake answer nine times out of ten, because the ego is invested in who you are right now and is not much interested in who you dream of being - and in who the world is now insisting you become.  If you transform yourself into a Joyful Being, the ego won't recognize itself and so of course it fights for its perceived survival.  Assure your ego you will not (cannot) kill it, that you are just going to use it for what it's good for (objective noticing) and that you are going to let your heart lead you.  You are going to let what brings you Joy inform your decisions.  Throw yourself over that cliff, see how that feels...

     This dream of a world where we all live in Joy is not a pipe dream - it is actually attainable.  In fact it's available right now, in this very moment, by each of us simply making our minds up to first understand the nature of Joy and then to unfailingly recognize it in every moment.  Joy's nature is eternal; it is always everywhere present as it is a vibration that never not is.  It exists eternally.  We do not have to 'find' it.  We simply need to get quiet enough to tune in with it vibrationally.  We as human beings know how to do this (we're wired for it) and if you have forgotten how, ask Joy to teach you.  Ask, and then get even more quiet so that you can listen.  Joy speaks softly - and it ALWAYS answers.

 

 

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Being Here Now

So I'm reading this book that I got in 1998 during my wedding weekend.  We were staying in a suite at the Aerie Resort in Malahat, British Columbia and in it's fabulousness, the room had a lending library, as in take a book, leave a book.  I took a small spiritual book that was waaaay over my head.  I carried that book with me on our honeymoon, through Rome and Nairobi to the plains of Kenya and Tanzania, to the island of Zanzibar then back to Italy and finally home.  I opened it several times during that trip and each time was rebuffed - it was vastly out of my league.  I could barely read a paragraph.  I put the book on my shelf and forgot about it.  Fifteen years passed and one day about three months ago I was looking for a book of poetry on a high shelf and came across it. I recognized it immediately.  It screamed - loudly - READ ME NOW!  I am nothing if not obedient to internal screaming, especially if it is coming from my gut.  The book really wanted to convince me it was our time to dance, so it threw in 'code' words within the first two chapters - words I had only recently learned or researched, concepts I had recently worked with and integrated, obscure spiritual traditions I have been studying for the past year - stuff like that.  Each time a familiar reference came up, I was like "Book, I got it, we're simpatico, you don't have to convince me. I'm all in. I believe you."

I read the book through in about a month.  It's still pretty dense and would often put me to sleep when I hit overload.  I couldn't take a lot of it in although I knew it was being fully received on deeper levels of my being.  I dreamt of it's cover, it's concepts, it's truths.  And when I was done, I began studying it in earnest; every morning before meditation I would read over the parts I had highlighted.  And when I was done with that, I began reading the book again from the beginning.  This time I am getting it, every word.  And it's opening something in me, boundless and immutable.  Something I have always known and yet could not see.

Since college, a huge component of my 'becoming' has been through books, teachers and practices.  I have always found the next engagement through a totally organic process of following my nose.  It is the one place I have consistently listened and been obedient to.  I follow my intuition and subtle feeling, no matter how strange they may seem to my surface mind.  I have had a sneaking suspicion of the perfection of the journey, feeling that somehow it was supremely orchestrated through all of these strange passageways and tunnels - even the dead ends were brilliant pieces of the puzzle.  For the past nine years, beginning really when we moved to Malibu into the pyramid house, I have been simply speechless regarding the intelligence that is leading me.  It has an astoundingly intricate construction, its margins imperceptible.  This book is possibly it's most stunning manifestation to date.  I picked it up at the exact perfect moment in my trajectory - I have absolutely primed myself to receive the truth it presents.  It feels like the crowing moment on this particular area of exploration - this area being the pursuit of leading a wholly authentic life, able to fully inhabit each moment free of past conditioning or forward-looking projections.  To be wholly pure with the moment, to exist in its stillness with it - as it - so that I can experience it entirely and respond creatively.

Why our emotional bodies get so gunked up  in the first place is all about safety.  Rather than experience a moment fully, our brains try to make sense of it by finding some pattern it falls into. We define it and box it up based on what we know from a previous experience. Once the pattern is identified, we 'understand' the situation and react accordingly. The only problem is, this process keeps us from seeing or being in the actual situation. Oh my gosh, for real, we miss most of what goes on right in front of our faces. It is said that when Spanish galleon ships arrived off the coast of the New World, the indigenous peoples could not see them. They literally could not see the ships because they had never seen anything even remotely like it before. Their brains had no way to process the information. Once the Spaniards came to shore in smaller canoes, the natives could see them as they had a 'program' that defined canoe.  The more awake I become, the more I see how we ignore so much of what happens in any given moment.  We literally don't or won't see what we can't be with - what we don't have a program for.  We do this to remain safely with the confines of patterns, which are predictable. I can no longer live in the realm of predictable. All that I have been up to is allowing me to step out of this confinement.

It is my understanding that our emotional bodies carry remnants of many lifetimes within their genetic structure. We come into this life with our history trailing out behind us. Some call this karma. We can chose to live out our entire lives within the construct of this emotional body - it has it's own consciousness, it will carry us through. When we create through our emotional consciousness, we will weave the same stories energetically lifetime after lifetime. The plots and characters may change and the underlying energetic at work will remain the same. We can work and work (and work and work) to 'repay our karma' , to overcome these patterns, but unless we understand the mechanism of the emotional body, we will largely work in vain. This is why so many find it so hard to exact actual, lasting change in their lives. The first step of releasing old patterns is understanding that they exist. This takes an incredible amount of clarity, compassion and courage - so that we can see ourselves fully, see all that we've been, and allow it to be without judgment. When we judge ourselves, we are simply re-catching ourselves up in the emotional body. Nothing moves in the face of judgment; by it's very definition, it is absolute and holds us in place. When we can allow all that we have and have not been to simply be, to embrace all of ourselves with unconditional love, we can begin to see past lives. We can begin to see our patterning and simply seeing is the largest part of letting it go.

How do we hold ourselves in unconditional love? Through the understanding of Oneness, which is the spiritual truth of this and all planes - that we are all simply unique emanations of a single source. There is only one thing happening in all realities - that One Divine Intelligence called God, Yahweh, Allah, Jehovah - moved Itself from the infinite void, as light, to experience Itself in a new way. All Consciousness, all Beingness, is God, knowing Itself further with each breath, each choice, each life. All souls come for the experience of it, to further their own knowing of life and embodiment so that the mind of God is expanded. This is the expansion of the Universe, the tiny part of the puzzle explained by science. Being embodied is like going to Disneyland; some go for the easy rides, to just enjoy the scenery, the food and/or the people. Some go for the rides that scare the crap out of them, because being scared is FUN on some level. Some go to lose their wallets and their way. All experiences, all paths are equally valid. It's all God. There is no 'more' God in say Nelson Mandela and 'less' in Bernie Madoff. It's all God. God knowing Itself as struggle, suffering and ultimately overcoming that struggle to lead a nation (and the world) to a greater understanding of freedom and liberation. God knowing itself as greed and dishonesty and stealing, allowing that part of the puzzle to be illuminated. There is no light without darkness. We are light and we are shadow. We get to pick which part of us to bring to light in any given moment. Life doesn't judge one over the other. It's all God. We, in our most limited form, are the only judges. When we can look at ourselves from the knowing that every lifetime was on purpose, chosen by us, for our learning, to expand the mind of God through each experience, we can accept ourselves in our entirety. Accept and embrace the places in us that are light and shadow. The more we can see in this manner, the more is revealed to us. The more revealed, the more we can release old lifetimes and thereby old patterns. The more released, the more we can tap into any part of creation we want to, and create from that place. From pure desire, to manifest something new, something never seen before. To expand the mind of God in a wholly new way. That's why I'm here...


Over the past eight years, I have studied and practiced a wide range of seemingly unrelated modalities and wisdom traditions.  I have studied diligently with Rev. Kate Rodger and the Institute of Modern Wisdom's mystery school of the Modern Day Priestess Training.  I have been practicing a healing technology that unwinds energetic patterning in the emotional body, which helps to free us from habitual responses.  I have studied kabbalah and the wisdom of the Huna (the ancient spiritual tradition of Polynesia/Hawaii), I have studied Oneness and Theta Healing. I have been sitting in stillness listening to my own knowing. And so, thanks to the study of Huna, I understand how things get stuck in the subconscious mind and emotional body, how the 'aka' of pure potentialities gets constricted so that energy or 'mana' cannot flow through.  Through my practice of Soul Remembering, I can unwind these sticky patterns energetically.  Through my study of Theta Healing, I can further clear the emotional body through healing the biomorphic field - instantly.  Through meditation and various other practices, I have learned how to cultivate and be with stillness.  Through my knowing of Oneness, I have found absolute safety within myself. I am safe, eternally so, through my connection to Source. 

Through healing my emotional body, I can create vast amounts of space in that particular energetic field, which in it's purest form is a creative field.  From this spaciousness (and with my courage in tact) I can simply BE in the face of any experience, wholly present, pure, engaging no patterns.  Allowing the experience itself to be the only source of information of any kind.  THIS IS AN AMAZING IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE FEELING.  I feel like I am seeing the world for the first time, with new eyes in every moment. 

If you were to pick up the book I speak of and read it, it is unlikely you would receive this same teaching.  The book does not actually mention any of what I'm saying.  It is just unifying the picture for me, dropping in the singular piece that compliments what I have already integrated, like the key to the lock in the hidden door. And as I step over the threshold of this door, what do I see?  Well, perhaps an empty room I can dance around in for a while - and beyond that, more doors. An infinite number of doors.  It's all just an amusement park ride after all, and I have designed it specficly and purposefully.

 Apparently I like the challenge of locked doors and hidden keys. Someday I will realize I am the locksmith.

Breaking My Silence

I haven't been writing or even talking much lately (unless you ask my 12-year-old daughter, who says I talk "non-stop").  I have been remembering to listen - to other people, even strangers, to my own words as they come out of my mouth and hit my eardrums, to my inner voice that speaks very faintly, to my ancestors, guides and angels.  And, perhaps most importantly, to the Universe.  I have always been a talker and this year it was time for me to be a listener.  I have learned A TON from listening; for instance, coffee makes the chatter-y voices in my head talk faster and louder.  Nikki has discovered Eminem and of course it's perfect because he speaks of all the angst-y, in-your-face, 'I'ma be who I'ma be' energy that she is fully inhabiting right now.  And I like Eminem, I used to listen to him, which gave me major cred when I quietly began singing along in the car.  I thought Nikki's eyes would bug out of her head.  Anyway, he's on near constant rotation in our car these days and likewise in my head.  And on coffee he really is a rap god. 

Also, I learned that about 50% of what comes out of my mouth is utter bullsh-t.  Truly just crap.  Stuff I made up and then believed, stuff that I wish were true, 'observations' that are simply rehashed and trite.  Much of it is mind-reading - where I tell people what I think they are thinking.  Oh man.  Ouch.  That's the hardest one for me to be with.  My brilliant daughter has been telling me for years that I do this.  And I would think "Oh...children...if they only knew..."

Turns out they do know.

And what they know is that grown-ups need to shut the fuck up.  We older folks have been drinking the Kool-Aid for waaaay too many years to really know what we're talking about when it comes to the younger generations.  When my daughter was born, I marveled at how perfect she was - a pristine, whole Universe in the form of a human baby.  My deepest knowing told me that she came fully equipped with all she needed, yet I still believed I had something to teach her.  I needed to inform her about the world, about how to be in it, how to navigate life and other people - how to do, well,  EVERYTHING.  She began telling me when she was about three that she really didn't need my help in this.  Not in those words exactly.  She would say "You're not being a very good mother right now" when I was trying to convince or coerce some behavior from her.  She would say "You talk too much."  She would say "I just need some silence right now to think about this."  I began telling my husband when she was about eight (in whispered tones), "I think she might be the teacher. I think maybe we should be listening to her."  And because I was battling the fear that I knew NOTHING about children based on my own childhood, I ping-ponged back and forth between my own knowing to let her be and what the 37 parenting books on my shelf said about consequences and building respect and showing who's boss. She never responded to discipline or consequences or any show of 'power' over her. She has always known of her own power.  Any attempt on my part to tell her she wasn't powerful fell on deaf ears, because she knew it wasn't true.

How did I try to tell her she wasn't powerful?  By trying to coerce her to be a good girl, to play along, to do what I said, to follow the rules.  She wasn't having any rules.  She navigates the world moment by moment, according to what's true for her.  She's not much concerned about what's true for anyone else.  And you know what?  She's right on for her age.  On many levels, children don't truly learn about 'other' until after the age of 14.  Until then, it's all about them.  And why not?  Why not let her childhood be about discovery - self-directed discovery, so that she can lead her own self into unchartered territory.  Isn't that why she came?  To reveal something new, something never seen before?   To be the one and only divine emanation moving through the unique collection of DNA called Nikki Gelb in this lifetime?  Why try to make her like everyone else?  Why try to get her to follow society's rules?  Who made up these rules?  So much of what society believes and teaches is total crap to me.  Just look at television.  And I'm supposed to teach my girl to follow some code of conduct or rule of ethics because...?  Because it makes folks comfortable when everyone conforms.  It makes us feel safe and secure when we all agree to buy each other's bullsh-t.  Well, I'm not buying it anymore, not even from myself.

Our educational system in this country is set up to make good employees.  It is set up to create a society that is good at responding to 'authority' and following rules.  What is 'Authority'?  According to Webster's Dictionary it is:

1) "The power to give orders or make decisions: the power or right to direct or control someone or something."  Ok, what gives someone the power to direct or control someone?  Do I have the power to direct or control my daughter because I am bigger, stronger, older and wiser than her?  What if I'm not wiser?  She has proven to me countless times that I am not wiser.  She came into this life much more awake than I did.  I have been fighting through years of illusion and misinformation to get clarity on what is true for me.  My parents REALLY believed in the whole authority thing so my voice was squashed - mightily - from very early on.  And with my voice, so were my own feelings and knowing of myself.  She refuses to be squashed.  She knows her own voice.  I'm cool with that.

2) "The confident quality of someone who knows a lot about something or who is respected or obeyed by other people."  Someone who knows a lot about something - ok, I get that, albeit with knowing that any time a human takes in information, it is washed through their extensive filtering system so ultimately can only be 'truth' for them.  I may look to you to be an expert because you have spent time investigating something I have not looked into, however if I were to spend as much time looking at it as you did, I may reach an entirely different conclusion than your 'expert' opinion.  I may not know more about my girl and what's best for her than she does.  She is likely a better expert on herself.  And one who is OBEYED by other people?  Yuk.  I can only obey those whose leadership I resonate with.  I trust myself first and foremost.  Should I ask something different of my daughter?   Should I 'teach' her to obey because it makes others uncomfortable when she doesn't?  I'm not talking about criminal behavior here.  I'm not talking about anarchy.  Obviously there are 'rules' we all follow so that the world doesn't fall apart.  I'm talking about others telling her how to act, how to be, how to think.  How to control herself so that she speaks in a way that doesn't offend.  You know what?  Her power doesn't offend me.  She fully stands in her power and as a youngster, she's still figuring it out.  She's still in the laboratory of childhood, testing out where the line of 'too far' is so that she can find out how far she can go.  She mostly does this with me and her dad now.  Out in the world she's apparently fabulous - all I ever get from other adults who spend time with her is how wonderful she is.  A friend who's home she recently slept at texted the next day "Your daughter is delightful!"  Her teachers adore her, report cards rave about her.  So with me she is contrary, rude even, constantly pushing back.  Good.  With me she gets to explore her own power in a safe way.  I can take it, even though sometimes I suffer for it.  Sometimes it hurts my heart.  Good thing I have a strong heart and the clarity to remember the truth of her - and myself.

3) "A quality that makes something seem true or real."  Seem true or real?!  I'm not even going to touch this, except to say that for me, this fairly well sums up most mainstream 'authority' in the western world...

4) "Persons in command or a convincing force."  Under this definition, my daughter is the authority.

So here we are in this world of parenting where most people seem to follow the age-old model that looks something like this: begin with problem solving, move into explanation or advice, then onto rewards, deals or punishments, throw in some rules, responsibilities, expectations, duties and obligations. When these don't produce the desired result, move to labels and diagnosis's, criticism, contempt and/or withdrawal and finally into the inevitable blaming and/or shaming.  I tried every single one of these throughout the years.  Every one.  And all it got me was nothing.  Perhaps some temporary behavioral change that was short-lived and inauthentic.  The truth is Nikki is a very smart, very present being who has been keenly observing the world since she got here.  She knows what society expects of her.  She knows that eventually she will need to take responsibility for herself so that she can navigate her world as a healthy adult.  She knows the right thing to do - and this knowing is real and true because it comes from inside of her.  I didn't plant it in her based on what I know.  My job as a parent isn't to create a mini me or even to create a child I 'approve' of.  My job as a parent is to create a safe space for her to grow, to provide many myriad experiences for her to challenge herself, bump into herself, recognize herself, love and accept herself.  BE HERSELF.  Her own innate wisdom will take care of everything else.  The old patriarchal paradigm world will do its best to convince her that she is not wise unless she believes and behaves like everyone else.  I will continue to do my best to help her remember what she came with and who she is, beyond anyone's definition save her own.  Any 'good' behavior she may pick up at home can come only through my modeling of it.  Not telling her about it.  Not demanding it of her.  By being it, so that she may know it AS me.

If you see my child yelling at me in public or being rude or bossy or all of the above, try not to let it bug you.  Maybe if your child witnesses it, you can use it to discuss what doesn't work for you.  Know that it's ultimately ok with me, even if I may have a pained look on my face.  With every unkind word or tone, my daughter gets to know herself better.  She gets to experience who she chooses to be in any given moment.  Right now, quite often, she is a hormonal, moody, yelling to be heard girl.  That's cool.  Tomorrow she will have moved on to another layer of herself.  I'm down with all of it.  I trust her.

Ultimately, do I wish my daughter treated me with respect?  Of course I do - that sounds lovely.  And slightly preposterous at this age.  She isn't capable of even understanding what respect is for several more years.  Any show of 'respectful' behavior from my wild-spirited child would simply mean that I have successfully punched her into some mold of my choosing.  I would take 'consideration' at this point - we're working on that.  We're working on helping her to identify her feelings and needs and how to get them met so that everyone wins.  We're working on showing her that we have feelings and needs that also must be addressed.  We're working on being ourselves, authentic, unapologetic, free.  It feels good, it feels right, it feels like the truth.

Every child is different and needs diverse things from their parents.  Every family dynamic is unique unto itself.  I honor your truth, your knowing and how you are raising your children.  I am grateful when you honor mine.

Happy Hour

  A few months ago I made myself a perfect martini on a Tuesday night and posted a photo of it on Facebook.  It flew mostly under the radar except for my drinky friend Colleen who lives in Seattle, who commented she was relieved that my priestess thing did not exclude Happy Hour.  I replied that priestesses like to be happy.  This small exchange has been rolling around in my brain ever since, mainly because it was kind of shocking to me to think that friends might surmise that a spiritual path was not compatible with an occasional martini.  Those who know me well know that me and martinis go way back and red wine is my friend for life, as in til death do us part.  I simply can't imagine denying myself the pleasure of sharing a really killer bottle of red with great friends and great food.  So I've been sitting with this idea of how friends and acquaintances may be perceiving my 'priestess' path.  I know that word is charged, although just how charged is only now beginning to take a discernible form.

One weekend in Montecito, where the Modern Day Priestess trainings are held, we were sharing the beautiful grounds of Casa De Maria with a Catholic church group from Southern California.  There were many priests and nuns accompanied by a small group of fairly buttoned up lay women.  This group was clearly uncomfortable with us - we, as priestesses in training, in yoga clothes and groovy shoes, flowy scarves and stone necklaces, medicine pouches and feathers.  And love - a ton of it, worn whole-heartedly on our sleeves.  One day at lunch as my friend Aliyah and I were busing our dishes, a woman from the group engaged her in conversation while I chatted with the cutie-pie who was taking my dishes through the kitchen window.  Aliyah shared with me when we left that the woman had asked her "So what do Modern Day Priestesses do, sacrifice cats?"  Hahaha and she wasn't kidding.  In that moment, I was intensely mad and then intensely glad that I did not hear her question.  Aliyah had the grace to navigate that moment with calm assurance.  My response would likely have been much more charged, with an invitation for this woman to shut it  gather information and perhaps even think before speaking.  And then I would have reminded her of her responsibility as a "religious" person to seek and spread the truth rather than propagate preposterous, fear-based fantasies.

After this encounter, it became very obvious how uncomfortable we made this group and I must admit the smaller part of me took every opportunity to be as close to them as possible, to catch their eyes and flash them giant smiles, to really press their buttons  give them numerous opportunities to see the error of their first impressions.  One night as we moved through the dinner line, one poor priest  marooned himself between me and another priestess as we moved through the line filling our plates.  His discomfort was palpable and of course I wanted to help him grow so I kept leaning around him to speak to the priestess on the other side.  After a few moments, he became so uncomfortable he began singing hymns.  In the dinner line.  Seriously.

What really bummed me out about that weekend was that here was a religious group that came up against something really uncomfortable for them and rather than approaching us in an effort to speak to the chasm between us, they widened it.  We priestesses are incredibly approachable individually and collectively; how beautiful it would have been to have found each other in our common ground, in our shared love of the sacred.  We could have spoken to the truth that despite outward appearance and affectation, we are all the same, with the same hearts, the same needs.  We are simply taking different paths to the same place.  Instead of feeling the love that we are, they felt fear.  It makes me sad that these "people of God' are so cut off from their own hearts that they don't recognize love when they see it.

What I took away from that weekend was that my path is to be authentic, no matter what.  Even if it makes others uncomfortable.  My authenticity is in service to them even more so in those moments of discomfort, when they get to bump up against their own selves and maybe even examine what's eliciting their response.  And if they recoil (or attack) in fear, with no self-examination whatsoever, that's their business, not mine.  I get to keep being authentic.  And the good news is, authentic to me means living fully in my human experience.  Drinking, cursing, even making bad choices sometimes.  Sometimes being a less-than-stellar mother and telling my almost teen-aged daughter to shut it  keep her opinions to herself and maybe even go to bed.  Right now.

This notion of living a monastic life in service to the divine has never sat right with me.  Growing up Catholic, I could always feel the underlying anger of the priests and nuns and did not understand it until I was older and realized the implications of taking a vow of celibacy.  For all but a very small percentage of humans, celibacy is against our biological and innate nature; this is clearly being played out in the horrifying drama of abuse amongst Catholic priests.  In Judaism, no such vow is required.  In fact, Rabbi's are encouraged to be married so that they can better attend to the lives and needs of their married congregants.  Rabbis are also - along with all adult Jews - essentially required to drink wine on Friday night to usher in Shabbat. Drinking wine is a mitzvah (good deed) in Judaism.  Wine is considered holy in Jewish tradition and is used to sanctify most special moments and celebrations.  At the Purim holiday, which just passed, we are encouraged to drink so much wine that we can no longer distinguish the good guys from the bad guys.  What a beautiful teaching - to acknowledge that through the course of a lifetime, we will all inhabit both sides of that equation.  And once a year, with the help of the sacred fruit of the vine, we get to actually see that.  The Purim story is rife with references to excessive drinking and throughout the Torah we are instructed to "drink and celebrate".  This is one of the many reasons Judaism works for me - it acknowledges again and again that life is rich and full and fantastic and awful - and ultimately, unspeakably beautiful.  This is how I want to live - embracing the whole bloody, beautiful mess.

So what does being a Priestess really mean?  It means that I am more myself, martinis and flaws and all.  I acknowledge and honor the energies of the planets and the totality of their influence.  I honor the energies of the Earth and all that encompasses.  I actively engage with many realms and dimensions and integrate them here in the 3D.  If you take a walk with me, I might climb up on a big rock so I can lean against the stone and feel it.  So I can give it permission to teach me what it knows.  I listen to the wind and the trees and the birds and even the sound of cars.  There is wisdom in all of it. I watch the stars and the moon and live according to earth's rhythms.  I pay attention.  I watch and I listen.  And I love.  Every single particle of it, every human, all life, I love. (This includes martinis).

Unicorn

This Halloween my daughter Nikki was a unicorn.  Not a 'rainbow unicorn' because duh, all unicorns are rainbow.  This is the third year she has taken charge of her costume, deciding on her own what to be and somehow gathering all that she needs to make it happen.  So I am used to not being a part of that process except for giving her rides to the craft store and the like for supplies.  This is the first year she dressed herself entirely, even doing her own hair and makeup without asking for any assistance from me.  In fact she insisted on no help at all, sequestering herself in her bathroom and asking to be left alone.  I must admit I was a bit bummed although I did not let her know that.  My difficulty in letting her go is not her business nor should it be her concern.

She also did not want me to be with her trick-or-treating.  Well, she wanted me there, just not by her.  And I can feel this may be my last year to even be there.  Next year she may just want to be dropped off and picked up.  I am sad for this ending, glad I have been present through all the trick-or-treating, and excited to see what this may open up for me as far as my time and freedom.

She is in the 6th grade this year, in a new school that encourages her to find her own voice, her own inner vision and make conscious choices.  This is a kid who has been sure of herself since forever, sometimes to a fault.  She trusts herself more than anyone else - this took some getting used to when she was little.  My personality wanted her to trust me the most.  Now she is learning to take other people into account when making choices so it's a whole new game.  And it feels wonderful to me, because she is actually, for the first time, aware of my needs...sometimes anyway.  So as she grows into herself and pulls away from me and her dad, I constantly remind myself that this is good, this is what she is supposed to do - it's evidence we're doing a good job.

Also it feels like crap.

I of course love to be needed in the intense way children need and this has been my experience of it for the past 11 years.  She and I are deeply connected; I have been her playmate, her sibling, her pet, her confidente, her defender, her hero.  I have relished her unconditional love and attention, loved being her true north.  And now I am just mom, and she would really rather I keep my distance in public.  She confides in her friends now, telling them the secrets she used to tell me.  I knew she liked a boy at her dance class and asked her several times and she always replied no, she didn't like him.  Then recently I read a text stream between her and a friend and he was mentioned several times as her crush.  At first I was crushed until I remembered, oh right, this is how this is supposed to happen.  This is her stepping into a new version of herself and this is what it looks like right now.

That said, it still doesn't feel good - I feel like she is becoming a whole new person without involving me.  And the only access I have to hidden parts of her is to dig deeper, to read her text streams, to overhear her phone conversations - which she knows I do and will continue to do.  Part of our agreement for her to get a phone at such a young age was that her dad and I are to have full access to it at any time, for her protection.  We are in uncharted territory here with these kids and their electronic devices and I do not intend to look away.

So, when I let her know I had read some texts, I did not mention anything about her crush.  I suppose her not telling me meant she did not want it to be my business.  Fair enough, that's her prerogative.  And I will not take it personally.

 As she changes and grows and tries on new parts of herself, I get to simply notice, hold space for absolutely all of it, and not make any of it about me.  I want to be the ground she walks on, stable, dependable, rooted - so that when the world gets too crazy for her, she will know where to run to.  I will be her safe place to come home to, a container for her secrets, her worries, her fears.  And her joys.  I will be the one who doesn't judge, never betrays, who always holds her tenderly in unconditional love.

So for now, I will quietly watch her venture out into new territory.  I will walk behind her while she trick-or-treats because that's where she wants me.  Someday she will realize I have always been - and forever will be - behind her, arms out, ready to catch her when she falls.

Initiate.

At the end of August I completed my year-long 'Modern Day Priestess' training and became an Initiated Priestess.  I am going to continue with the program as a teacher-trainer when the new training launches this month.  If I weren't continuing on this particular path, I suspect I would have felt a deep sense of loss as the training ended.  I have grown extremely fond of being in the high vibrational space held by the facilitator Kate Rodger, of sitting in circle with sisters, of remembering the ancient ways together, of processing and clearing while being deeply held by those who understand my heart as well as I do.  Of course we are all connected in unbreakable ways and will forever be there for one another - it's just that initial blush, the first coming together of a sacred soul group that is unspeakably sweet and makes me want to grab onto it with both hands and never let go.  And of course I eventually must and will.  For now I am thrilled that I get to return to the warm embrace of the Casa de Maria, to witness a new soul group coalesce into brightness, to continue my own path of remembering how to hold space for another's brilliance to emerge.

So I have been spending time with this concept of 'Initiated'.

Dion Fortune writes that the Initiate is one “...whom the Higher Self, the Individuality, has merged with the personality and actually entered into incarnation in the physical body."   In other words, one's Higher Self has now entered the third dimensional purview of the Initiate.  One has touched upon the fullness of oneself, and made contact with the higher realms of one's particular beingness.  This feels true to me.  Since Initiation, I feel a whole other level of connectedness with all that is,  and my inner guidance is much more palpable.  My still small voice within is ever so much louder.

Just prior to my Initiation, I was told that I was 'leaving behind my secular life' and was becoming something entirely new.  These words really struck me, particularly 'secular'.  Webster defines secular as "pertaining to worldly things or to things that are not regarded as religious, spiritual, or sacred; temporal."  For all the years I have been on a spiritual path, it has mostly been a segregated one; my life was largely secular with a bit of spirituality thrown in.  Over the course of the past few years, my focus has become largely spiritual with some secular thrown in.  And now I have committed to a wholly spiritual life.

This is what my Initiation means to me - I have committed to live the truth as I know it, which means living this truth in every moment of every day.  This truth is based on Oneness - that we are all One, a single Beingness that essentially copied Itself ad infinitum to experience Itself on a whole new level.  To bring about something that had never been before.  And the creative urge behind it all is simply Love.  And so I am committed to holding the purest vibration I can - to allowing the All to reveal Love through me, as me - thus living my life to it's highest potential.  Why?  Because I see so much separation in the world - so many souls forgetting they are One with all others.

We have lived in the illusion of separation for many thousands of years, and it wasn't always this way.  Our distant ancestors knew about Oneness, they lived it.  And some indigenous peoples on the planet still live it today, although they are marginalized as primitive and immaterial.  Due to many factors too vast to explore here, the collective consciousness moved away from the truth and reached a tipping point toward separation - and we literally fell from the garden that was Oneness, that was Love.  We fell from a place of knowing that when one wins, we all win.  And we all lose together too.  We fell from sharing our food and resources, from making sure everyone's needs were met, from living in purposeful communities where all members were important and valuable.  We fell from a place of understanding that the Earth is us - when we act with disregard toward the planet, we destroy our very own selves.

So, we fell into the illusion that we are all separate from one another and from the Earth and everything in it.  We have been wandering in the wilderness ever since...and I choose not to wander any more.  I choose to inhabit that part of the collective consciousness where Love resides.  And it does not mean ignoring anger or avarice; I simply create a different reality for myself.  In truth we each create our own unique world based on our deepest beliefs and truths.  It also doesn't mean trying to be perfect, for part of the human experience is the freedom to explore the beautiful contrast of the multitudinous ways of being.  The difference is that now when I 'check out', I do so by choice.  I consciously go unconscious.  And I find I am losing my affinity for unconsciousness. 

 Now, instead of reacting with anger to the guy who sped up on the freeway rather than letting me in, I remember he is me.  I have done this very same thing unconsciously.  Even if I haven't, I am certainly capable of an unkind act - we all are, it's our birthright, inherent in free will.  And that poor guy hasn't yet remembered that I am him; if he slowed and let me in, his heart would be much better for it.  The world would have become incrementally kinder in that moment.  So, as an initiated priestess, I will remember for both of us.  I will hold him in compassion rather than anger.  I will bless him on his way and say a silent prayer that he hears his heart whispering the right thing  to do next time.  I will hold a space for his remembering that every action, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential, is vastly important not only for our own lives but for the collective as well, for we are One.  I am choosing to hold the high watch, to take the high road, to stand for Love - for all.

To initiate.  To begin.  If the prophecies of generations of indigenous elders like the Maya are correct, this year marks the time when we are all initiating a path of return - to wholeness, to Oneness, to remembering.  To Love.

I believe ~  and I'll see you there ♥

Blown

 I have been a student for as long as I can remember. After graduating college, I continued to take classes at local community schools - I have studied such an eclectic array of topics I can barely recall them all. Since the early 90's, they have  been largely spiritual in nature. I listen and learn and study and seek, search for the next teacher and read the books over and over. And over again. When I became a mom, I had a whole new area of study. And good lord, I went for it. I took classes, seminars, webinars, had private counciling sessions - you name it, I did it. I count 37 parenting books on my shelf. I remember the day when I was preparing to take yet another parenting seminar and a friend remarked "Really? Can't you teach those classes by now?!" And of course she was right. I went to that seminar and realized I could indeed lead that class. I had finally reached a point where there was nothing more I could learn from someone else about parenting my child. I had to admit that I was actually being a good parent. Why did it take me so long to get that and why did it take a friend to point that out to me? (Thank you Sharyn ♥)

Last year when I was in Sedona, I went to see a healer aptly named Angel. The first thing she said to me was that I have spent many lifetimes at the feet of Masters, learning. That certainly resonated, given my track record in this lifetime. I find a teacher/guru and immerse myself in their classes, their books, indeed their every word and very Beingness. I inhale them and hold my breath. I change my life at their directive - I find new practices, language, even food. And so much of what I learn and take on is good - sign posts, arrows, leading me in the direction of my own heart. And so much of it is clutter, fodder for my mind to spin and spin. And I haven't known how to stop searching and looking for the next thing. Until now. I am beginning to remember that I already am what it is I am seeking.

I spoke briefly in my last post about Spiritual Materialism; my understanding of this concept is based on the teachings of a man who is largely responsible for bringing Buddhism to the west named Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Of course I have studied Buddhism along the way (as well as Catholicism, Christianity, Sufism, Taoism, Judiaism and probably a few others I no longer recall) and had taken what I liked of it and moved along. I could not get past the Buddhist notion that we used to talk to trees. Ironic, isn't it? Today I spend an inordinate amount of time talking to trees...and so I am circling back to the teachings of  Gautama Buddha. For years I thought he sat under that Bodhi tree in order to attain enlightenment, and so I ran right out and began attaining. I didn't have time to sit under a tree for days so my enlightenment was going to have to happen on the fly, while I was busy living my life. So I sucked in wisdom in every spare moment, from every corner - had to pack it in while I had the time. And only now, years later, do I realize that all that does is make my mind spin. It's made me a great conversationalist (so I've been told) however I am out for much more than conversation. And the constant input has muddied my own deep knowing.

This fervent urge toward taking the next class or reading yet another book is simply me looking for answers outside myself. And when I run across contradictory teachings, as I recently did, big-time, it rocked me to my core. After I managed to pick myself up off the ground (yet again), I stopped spinning. I simply stopped. And I remained still for a period of days, not allowing my mind to engage with questioning or confusion at all. I simply sat in the present moment waiting for my own inherent wisdom to arise. And of course it came, beyond measure it came. And from this place of clarity, I can finally see that attaining is really just putting lots of other people's truths into my mind and heart and trying to see if it fits. And of course it can't fit because it isn't mine. Parts of it can resonate and ultimately point me toward my own truth, which really is the bottom line - my truth exists solely within me. I am a singular and  particualar emination of it. Other people can light the path and remind me of Universal Truths, however the only way I can truly know what is mine to know is to go within. This is what Rinpoche was speaking of, that this 'attaining' is Spititual Materialsim. It is an egoic pursuit, to seek out and learn more so I can feel like I am getting somewhere and becoming someone. It is spiritual wisdom as a commodity. And of course all wisdom and knowing exists right now, fully, inside me, in a unique form that is soley mine. I came with it into this body - it is inherent in the Spirit that animates every human being. And so the true spiritual path is to simply remember this. To give up all I have attained to simply Be what I am. To embody what I am. Wholeness. Purity. Wisdom. Joy. Truth.

So I am officially declaring that I know. I am no longer in pursuit of anything. Will I still take classes? Of course - I like engaging my mind in that way. However, I will take only those that help facilitate my own knowing, by reminding me how to access it. That said, the class I am currently taking (What? Of course there's a class) is led by my mentor Rev. Kate Rodger, who deeply understands this concept. She gently and lovingly leads me to my own knowing; all questions are directed within. She reminds me who and what I am. And so I find myself finally free - from the 'need' to keep searching, from confusion, from being overwhelmed by all I wish to know. Now it's time to sit in stillness and breathe. A lot. And all will come in perfect timing, perfectly formed, purposefully, for me, from me.